Mom’s Job When Kid Is Named Captain

November 30, 2010 at 2:36 pm | Posted in moms, Moms of talented teens, peer pressure, Self Esteem, sports | 2 Comments
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She’s the captain of her ice hockey team at ten!  What an honor and accomplishment.  She called all her relatives as soon as she found out.

What about me, her mom?  How do I react to this?  What is my responsibility?  What do I do about her sisters?  None of them were ever captains in any sport.

Of course there’s a bit of history here.  Jilly was invited to play up for the peewee team, not based on skills but more because the team needed a few more players.  I told the coaches of both teams I would decide which team based soley on what I thought was most important for my child.   I would not, under any circumstances, put my daughter on a team just to make it happen.

Of course Jilly was all swaggery when she got the news. She was oh so cool!  She was going to play up.   But the moment I had her alone in the car the first thing I said was, “I alone will make thie decision based on what is best for you.  I’ll listen to your ideas, but you will not make the decision.  I think at ten you’re too young to figure this all out.”

Since we already have a great relationship based on trust and respect she knew I was going to do what was best for her, not what was seem by others as cool or being above others. Cause what they think just doesn’t matter!

It was clear to me that giving Jilly another year as a squirt would give her more time to get basic skills, she loved working with the coaches of squirts, and she could really use a year as being one of the best.  Even if she didn’t have all her sisters with all their accomplishments, it’s so important to have a time when you are the best.  When the others look up to you. When you can help out and be a leader.

So squirts it was.  Until I heard from Jilly that they, the kids, would be picking captains the next week.  Then my head reeled. I’d been through this too many times.  Captains at ten chosen by teammates has had more negative effect than no captains.  My personal opinion is to have captains for each week.  They lead the warm ups for practices and game, shake hands with the refs, lead the pregame cheer, and lead the hand slap at the end of the game.  It’s a learning experience for each kid.

But to be captain for the season- now that’s a true honor and responsibility.  One not to be given hastily or lightly. One that most nine and ten year olds just don’t have the capacity to truly understand.  If there are going to be captains, the coaches need to be very able to choose based on the true value of the player, with complete open minds.

I talked with the coaches.  Explained my personal concern about kids choosing their captains.  And then dropped the bomb. I told the coaches that I couldn’t let Jilly participate if the captains were chosen by the teammates.  They nodded, said, “Hmmm, hadn’t really thought about that.”  Then I never mentioned captains again to the coaches or Jilly.

This past weekend was the third weekend of games.  I could tell the moment I saw the team come out of the locker room that Jilly had been chosen captain.  She had this look of control and determination on her face. She was in charge and going to make it happen!

I was certain when she and another player went over to the refs and shook hands.  And guess what – me who opposed captains- had a SURGE of pride.  That was my little girl who was captain.  And I truly believe she deserved to be chosen captain.

So what is my responsibility?  Isn’t that what I’m supposed to be writing about?  Well my responsibility is to help Jilly understand the honor and responsibility of being chosen captain.  That being captain is partly about being a great player, but more importantly about being a leader. About the team moral and focus.  It’s about good sportsmanship, paying attention to the coaches, guiding the other kids to do their best. When the game is tough and they are loosing it’s about keeping the spirit up and still trying their hardest.

Being captain doesn’t mean to fake energy or excitement.  It doesn’t mean to suck up to the coaches.  It means to have pride, respect, and leadership.  Being a skilled player helps, but it’s not what a captain is all about.  Even Mia Hamm or Kristine Lilly weren’t the captains of the US soccer team.

Does your children changing make you move on?

June 3, 2010 at 6:14 am | Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment
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Today is monumental for me.

My youngest child is ten today.

This means she is double digits and I am no longer, never will be again, the mother of young children.

I can never go back to the time that has been the most fulfilling and enjoyable for me.
The time when time really didn’t matter- if we missed something it meant we were doing something we LOVED!

If we did something it was just cause we loved to do it. Time was not as segmented then as it needs to be now.

For teens our culture has demands, necessary activities, payed programs, and tons of things to do.

And its all good!

But I do miss the little child in my lap, holding my hand, the laughter and giggles, the milestones of life that came in moments of idleness.

And yes the fears and traumas that my children had then were special and precious.

Time moves us on and we can’t under any circumstances go back to that other time.

Has there ever been a time when you had to move on simply because of a change in your children?

How Do You Fill Your Mayonaise Jar?

February 16, 2010 at 10:21 am | Posted in 1 | Leave a comment
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To all the golf balls in our lives – have a great day.

The Mayonnaise  Jar

When  things in your life seem almost too much to handle,
When 24  hours in a day is not enough;
remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of  coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class
and  had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly,
he  picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
and start to fill it with  golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and  poured
it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again
if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand
and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded
With an unanimous  ‘yes.’

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the  table
and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively
filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.

‘Now,’ said the  professor, as the laughter subsided,
‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things – God,  family,
children, health, friends, and favorite passions
Things  that if everything else was lost
and  only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car.

The sand is everything else —
The small stuff.

‘If you put the sand into the jar  first,’ he continued,
‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf  balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time and energy  on the small stuff,
You will never have room for the things that  are
important to you.


Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time
to clean the house and fix the dripping tap.

‘Take care of the golf balls first —
The things that really  matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.’

One of the students raised her hand
and inquired what the coffee represented.

The  professor smiled.

‘I’m glad you asked’.

It just goes to show you that  no matter how full your life may seem,
there’s always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.’

Please share this with other “Golf Balls”

I just did…..

What are your golf balls?  How do you keep them from getting lost in the pebbles and sand?

What are your cups of coffee?

Is It Tomorrow Yet?

October 7, 2009 at 8:33 pm | Posted in attitudes | Leave a comment
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Here it is late at night for me.  Not so late for some of my kids.  I remember that days when I had all my kids in bed by 8:00.  And I would be sleeping by 8:30.  Oh how I loved those days.  And we would all be up in the morning singing, happy and playing.  But now I have one child left who on her own- well almost on her own- gets up in the morning.

The other daughter at home is a SSSLLLLOOOOWWWW riser.  And with home schooling, she often forgets about the necessity of getting up.  So every now and then I spend the day letting her know and understand the privileges she gets.

Today was one of those days.  When she strolled downstairs at 9:00,  when she had her breakfast at 9:30, when she did her math test in pajamas, when she got to go for a bike ride after lunch, and now that she has just gotten home from dance she does not have to stay up for the next two hours to get her homework done.

These are her privileges for now.  And what do I get out of her being home schooled?

Sometimes it’s as easy as pie to understand.  You see I am just like you.  I have all kinds of stuff to do.  Busy stuff that really doesn’t mean too bits of anything if I get it done or not.  Only somehow it SEEMS like if I don’t get it done I, or one of my kids, will just fall all apart.

And so with home schooling I have this time when we are not actually crazy with that stuff.  But really the thing is that no matter how you raise your kids.  You get consumed with all the stuff.

So here’s what I am doing- writing you- and then I will go up and read to my kids, know that whatever is on my list that did not get done again today will still be on my list tomorrow and the next tomorrow and the next.

Because tomorrow I get to start again, but it will never be today again.  You know that old cliche- Only it is true.  You just do what you can today.  Be thankful you have your kids and know that one day you won’t have them. You better really know that because no matter what you do, they will be gone.  And anything else would be too sad to think about.

Night all. Sleep well- I am sure I will now that I have shared this with you.

What Are You Putting at Stake For Your Reputation as a Parent?

June 17, 2009 at 1:27 pm | Posted in 1 | 2 Comments
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Monday I talked about your reputation. I talked about how you need to prod yourself to take action.

Putting your reputation at stake is key as a parent.  You have everything to lose and everything to live by.

It you put your reputation on the line with just a bit of energy, then you will live with just a bit of a reputation- good or bad.  But if you are resisting or fearful of the whole wonderful and fulfilling life as a parent you dream of then you will simply procrastinate till your kids are grown.  I promise it happens quicker than anyone ever tells you!

You really need to put your whole life at stake. And I’m not
talking about human sacrifice here! I’m talking about what’s most
important to you, what’s at your very heart.

If you are parenting just to get by, or even just to be
successful, you really don’t have a lot at stake. After all, what’s
the big deal if your kid isn’t that successful? You can let
things slip by for a week or a month. They’ll grow up sooner or later.

You can really have two things at stake. One is external (like the
car) and the other is internal. Let’s talk about external first.

If you have a mortgage to pay, kids to support and a “nut” to
make every month, that’s what you have at stake externally. And
this isn’t trivial.

I have a great life.  I live in NH for ten months- in the White Mountains National Forest-
I live in CT for the summer, near the beach and my mother. My children are all doing exactly what they want.  And I love my life.

But even this has its limitations.

After all, it can soon feel like you’re in the rat race, keeping up
with the Jones’s and never feeling you’re giving and doing quite enough.
Sure, you have something at stake, but it’s easy to wonder if all
the hard work is really worth it.

Perhaps then you discover that you need to put something
internal at stake. Now this can be a dead end, too. Chasing
happiness and fulfillment can be elusive. After all, how happy is

My discovery, the thing that ultimately gets me up in the
morning, is making a difference, making a contribution. When
you put this at stake, everything seems to change. When your
focus is the welfare of others, you win every single time.

Now as moms it seems that’s all that we are doing, but there is a real difference.
Here it is.  If you are going through making a contribution to your kids life as a duty, as  a forced activity, as a drudgery, you will not be happy to say the least!

What ever I do- write this blog, give a talk, help a client, more importantly look at what my child has made, help with their lessons, drive them to wherever, do their laundry and dishes, and kiss they goodnight – I do it to make a difference.  It comes from my heart.

Mothers and families who base their lives on this principle thrive.  Families that don’t?  The stories are endless about them.

So the thing to put at stake every day is the contribution you
make. “Today I’ll run my home, raise my kids, live my life to
make a contribution. What’s wanted and needed right now where
can I best make that contribution?”

Its important to remember that the magnificence of what you do is directly connected with the love and heart felt energy you put into anything.  It is not about how others think you have done, how much money is involved, or how successful you are.

If you get to that place, then procrastination, delay, fears and
worries won’t have such a big part in your life. You’ll join that
support group; you’ll get your house chores done; you’ll really stop and look at the picture your child made; you’ll go the extra mile.

What are you going to put at stake?

By the way, it’s also important to make a contribution to yourself
as well.

What’s something bigger than yourself that you’ll put at stake?
Please share your comments

And for your reputation
Parent with Passion, Purpose, and Integrity,


PS: Ready to talk with others about how to really live your life as the parent with a true and fantastic reputation? Join me at 7 pm EDT, 6 CDT, 4 PDT. Just lick this link (or cut and paste) to get the details.

I am really psyched to have you join!

Your Reputation is at Risk

June 15, 2009 at 6:43 am | Posted in 1 | 1 Comment
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Do what you are going to do,
its what you do that brings the reputation.

As a mom you really want to have a good reputation.
There is only one way:

Do what is right from your heart.  Pay no heed
to what others think or gossip about you.
Your reputation is irrelevant except
how you think about yourself.

So go ahead-do whatever you do,
don’t worry about if you can do it well.
Cause either you ca or you can’t,
but the doing is the important thing

Use your utmost energy to get enthusiastic,
it makes you more enthusiastic.

When you are enthusiastic as a mom
your kids can only absorb that.
But you must be authentic, if you aren’t
they will just tear you apart.

Be like an enthusiastic puppy- let your whole being
have the positive vibes.

By keeping focused and enthusiastic
you are able to continue
the process of where you are going.
Lose that vision and you get stuck.

This is what happens so often as parents.
We are going along and a snag happens.
We lose site of the goal.
What is the goal?
Bottom line- to love our children
To raise them with natural high self esteem.
And to keep them out of harms way

All to the best of our ability- nothing more or less

Keep an open mind-let knew things in-
learn everyday in some way.
As a parent it is imperative to
be able to let in the new ideas,
thoughts, and actions of your children.

When you hold these out, you are
closing yourself from your children.

In any aspect of life- give your all.
Then you will be able to get what ever you need and want.
You children will learn from this.
They will see that being engaged,
involved, interactive has
rewards far beyond anything else.

And as a parent put everything you have into
raising your kids.  If you screw up,
you want to be sure that you have put in
so much love and caring
it won’t matter either in the end
or as you go along.

Work is not only what you get paid for,
experience is not only what you put on a resume,
but happiness is always in your heart.

Keep that in mind as you go through your days
as a parent.  There is nothing more
important, valuable, or rewarding as being
a parent.

And there is nothing harder, with less value, and
as totally unrewarding as a parent.

The thing to do is pay attention to the
parts that fill your heart with love.

It’s important to find the joy in every aspect of your life.
Have that be the constant in all you do

Soar with your own strength.
Let others soar w/ their strength.
There is enough air for all of us to soar.

When you go for life, you go.
The result is not always what you think
and want it to be,
but it will be great if you put your heart into it.

Life is not about comparing yourself to others,
It’s about being your own unique self.
And being your best self at that.

Have a fantastic Monday and
Parent with passion, purpose, and integrity,


Add Your Values to Your Parenting

June 8, 2009 at 9:26 am | Posted in 1 | Leave a comment
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Last I wrote to you about character.
This week I’m all excited to talk about value.

“We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence,
but we rather have those because we have acted rightly.”

This is such an important concept.
As a parent it is not that you
have to know the “right” way to
behave in your head.

It is that you have to act and behave the
“right” way.

Sounds simple, but with all the pressure and
influence around us to live with out
our personal values we often loose
touch with them.

What are your values?
How are you living up to and with them?

If you are falling short in most of your
values then try this.

Pick just one value that you will absolutely adhere to
for one day.
Make no exceptions.
Be strong and firm.

Give your whole self to this value.
And see that you pick a value that you
are certain is from your heart.

When you live with your values
you let your children know
that what comes from your heart
is more important than how others
react to you.

Thus the get to have natural high self esteem.



Summer program:

What:     How to Parent with Passion, Purpose, and Integrity.
Weekly Tele-support workshop

When:     Four Thursdays in July
July 2, 9, 16, 30

Time:    LIVE
10:30-12:00 am EDT
9:30-11:00 am CDT
7:30-9:00 am PDT
Recording whenever you want

Where: On your phone anywhere
Recording on your computer

Cost:    $12/week if registered for all four sessions by June 18. Total $48
$19/week after that. Total $76

Why:    Making a change from how you were brought up
Leery of mass media
Wanting to use positive intervention
Feeling inadequate as a mom

Topics:    1: How to be a mom whom I respect?
with all the pressures that surround me?
There are the social norms,
the media that hits,
family pressures,
husband who is put off by the out of the box parenting
but going along with it- for now at least.

2: How can I support my kids in their achievements?
but not become the pushy parent with the needs?
Is there any real way to be a supportive parent
and not get too involved?

3: How can I maintain my sanity?
when there is all this energy change?
I have no idea of what is best for my family or me?
How can I make any good decision when
there is just way too much to choose from?

4: Is there any escape from this totally
overwhelming stress inducing thing
called “Good Parenting”??????

Register here:

As a Pearl Member the price today is
$10/week- total $40.

That’s affordable for you.
You can really do this.

Sign up right now!
Don’t waiver or it
will be just like everything else you do.

I look forward to “seeing” you in July.

For today stick to your values.
And parent with passion, purpose, and integrity,


How to Build Character

June 1, 2009 at 9:47 am | Posted in 1 | 1 Comment
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Motivational Monday


If you find this blog entry interesting and helpful please
pass it along to your friends.

Again thanks to those who emailed/blogged  me
with your concerns and issues.

It’s still important to email your concerns-
You are here at GEM Parenting because
need help with your parenting.
You want to understand and develop
your parenting, reduce your stress and
overwhelm, and let your kids grow up
with natural high self-esteem.

And you certainly don’t want the national hazard
of having a brat for a kid.

And for some reason that just isn’t so simple.

Send in your concerns and issues.
Get your guidance.
And help others who are suffering with your issue,
but not quite ready to share.

I will send you a personal response and
for those who are willing to share even more,
I will put our Q & A on the blog-

Of course with your personal stuff removed.

It’s my favorite day of the week.
Motivational Monday.

I love this day because it is the day that I
Get to start new things.
rejuvinated from the hectic weekend.
and get back into  my “regular” rhythm.

This week I want to talk about character.
To start here is a quote.

“Watch your thoughts;
they become words.
Watch your words;
they become actions.
Watch your actions;
they become habits.
Watch your habits;
they become character.
Watch your character;
it becomes your destiny.”

~ Frank Outlaw ~

This process is a vital part of being a
parent who uses positive intervention
and strives to raise children with
high self-esteem.

It’s also a way of understanding
what law of attraction is about in simple terms.

I am a person who believes in
what goes around comes around

And this how you can see it’s growth and progress.

Your character and the character
You develop in your children
starts with your thoughts.

Now this is not to say you have complete
control of your children’s character.
That would be impossible.

You don’t even have complete control of your own.

But you do have the ability to have control
of your thoughts.

This week I want you to be very aware of your thoughts.
Find what is negative, detrimental, excessive,
hurting, etc.
and change it to it’s opposite.

This is not the week to stop the thoughts.
This is the week to start
to build your own character.
And with it the character of your children.

Now another super important thing-
Be gentle and fun with this.

When you do catch yourself smile, take a relaxing breath
then and only then when you are
OK with yourself can you really
replace that negative thought.

Have a terrific week.

And for me,
be a parent with passion, purpose, and integrity,


Positive Intervention for Mom of Lying Teen

May 27, 2009 at 10:39 am | Posted in 1 | Leave a comment
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When you go through parenting you have times when your child is somehow completely out of connection with you.

How can you be able to intervene, give positive guidance, and know what to do about your child’s dis-connection?

Read on to see what I say to Gloria

Question from Gloria:

First of all thank you so much for continually reaching out to us mother’s.
One of my biggest problem is I cannot trust my 13 yr old son.  He lies so many times and I don’t know when he is telling the truth.
Please give me some intervention.




When a child lies it really hits our core as a mother.
I will be glad to address this issue.

“The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.”  ~Honoré de Balzac

When most people read this they think that this is what mothers do for their children.  And of course we do.  But I want to add here that you give this thing called forgiveness to yourself.

When you find that your son has lied, the first thing you do is forgive yourself.  Let it be clear to you that you have tried and are trying your best.   When you let yourself be free from the punishments I assume you are giving yourself then you can go the next few steps.

Have you forgiven yourself?  It’s not easy, but do that for real – out loud – before you go on to the next step.

You say, “I forgive me for the lying that my child has done”

Next you use all your power to forgive your child.  This is not to say accept, ignore, or wash away the lying.  When your son is lying to you over and over, he is reaching out to have something changed.  Yet you have no idea.  And he may not have any idea what needs changing.

When you find your son has lied say, “I forgive you for lying to me.”
Each and every time.  This intervention shows that you do care about your son.

Then say: “When you are ready you can tell me why you lied.”

Now is the hard part -TRUST-

You have to trust your love.  Give full strength and power to your love.  Trust your love…
then speak, look away, cry, maybe even yell.

But do nothing till you know you are forgiving and loving both yourself and your son.

I had a daughter who lied to me for a few years.  It took all my energy and strength to try and fight this lying.  But when I gave up the fight and forgave myself for what I could not control only then could I begin to forgive her.

The forgiveness I gave her, over and over, let loose the love that was hiding behind trying to force her to be honest with me.

She did not stop lying the first time.  It took a while.  But as I forgave both of us, and let my love to her flow, I stopped punishing her, I began to see why she was lying, and I was able to help her to pass this stage with a few growing scars, but nothing permanent.

What was she missing?  As she was changing from child to teen and I had more children she needed to know that I loved her as much as the others.

It turns out what she needed most was forgiveness and love.  With these came her renewed natural high self esteem.

Be a parent with passion, purpose, and integrity,
Forgive yourself, forgive your son, and trust your love,



Free Tele-workshop tonight at 7 pm EDT

Moms For a Balanced Life

Reduce Daily Overwhelm w/ Memorial Day Intervention

May 25, 2009 at 7:09 am | Posted in 1 | Leave a comment
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Happy Memorial Day
And Motivational Monday


If you find this interesting and helpful please
pass it along to your friends.

Again thanks to those who emailed me
with your concerns and issues.
It’s still important to email your concerns-
You joined GEM Parenting because
need help with your parenting.
You want to understand and develop
your parenting, reduce your stress and
overwhelm, and let your kids grow up
with natural high self-esteem.

And you certainly don’t want the national hazard
of having a brat for a kid.

And for some reason that just isn’t so simple.

Send in your concerns and issues.
Get your guidance.
And help others who are suffering with your issue,
but not quite ready to share.

I will send you a personal response and
for those who are willing to share even more,
I will put our Q & A on the blog-

Of course with your personal stuff removed.


Today is Memorial Day here in the USA.

What does that mean to you?
Why is it so important?
And what can you do today, this week to enhance
this day for your children?

I think one thing that we do for Memorial Day is to
think this is the beginning of summer,
a day off work, a day to have fun and relax.

Why is it important to have this kind of day?
Rather simple: we have the right to pursue happiness.

Yes, this simple idea, just a few hundred years ago
was unheard of.  Only a very small portion of
the population was even allowed to “think”
this way. And here we are: Knowing that
this is our right.

With this right has come better living standards, better health,
better education, better roads and transportation,
better communication, even better religion.

And more and more toys than we can imagine.
That’s the catch that is not part of our constitution:
There is responsibility that comes with the pursuit
of happiness.

Some say we have gone overboard with our pursuit of happiness.
And yes we sort of have.

For you as a parent here is how you can keep
Memorial Day present and reduce your
own stress at the same time.

Take time to think about “How will this purchase,
this program for my kids, this pursuit of happiness
actually help in my pursuit of happiness?”

This simple tactic can help you make decisions
with a criteria for your family.  You will reduce your
overwhelm.  Give it a try and let me know
what happens.

Today take a moment to remember and thank
those who thought you deserved your
party, boat, TV, cars, house, bar-b-que,
clothes, travel, pets, makeup, books,
ipods, computers, phones, comfy sofas,

Many risked their lives so you can pursue your happiness.
Happy Memorial Day

On My Home Front

(By the way- Any better ideas of a name for this section?)

This past week I took my 16-year-old daughter to Lake Placid
for training in aerials skiing.
On Tuesday evening we went to our last yoga class together for five months.
I silently cried through most of the class.  On the way home
that daughter lashed out at her youngest sister , then me.
Totally uncharacteristic of her.

I knew what was happening.  It was so hard for her to leave us,
even though following her dream and talent is so special,
that by getting mad at us would make it easier to leave.

I told her that.

When we got in the house
she broke down and sobbed.  We had
a family sob fest for a while.

When we got up to leave on Wed we were
all much better.

She is there, loving her training, and we will see her
at the end of June.

And I do miss her terribly.

On the other hand I am in the midst of giving my 12 turning 13
her birthday party.

It’s a 24 hr sleepover- with 18 kids to start- 3 went home before the sleepover.
Tie dyed tank tops,
Relay races
Tank top signature pass
Swim at town pool
Man hunt- kind of flashlight tag
Asleep by 11:30

I am up with the birds.
The kids are asleep.
But when they get up
Birthday Breakfast-
Waffles, vanilla ice cream, crushed fresh strawberries and whipped cream-
My mouth is watering just writing this to you.

We have no real activity this morning
other than that.

They leave at 12:00.

Great to chat.
Love to hear what is going on at your house.

Time for me to crush strawberries and you to
Parent with passion, purpose and integrity,


PS:  On Wednesday check here for:
How to Use Positive Intervention With a Lying 13-Year-Old.

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