Dead Silence. There was No Answer. Then Came the Screams

September 18, 2011 at 9:27 am | Posted in ACL recovery, attitudes, Move to Park City Utah | Leave a comment
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And Jeanee – OMG again- Jeanee. “Jeanee starts school tomorrow. Her first day of school.” Now this first day of school wasn’t just the norm for any all American 15 year old kid. No, Jeanee was going to school for the first time ever. She had been home schooled all her life. One reason we came to Park City was so that she could participate in school part time and home school the other part. We had things arranged so that she was in school from 7:30 to 12:30.

And what a cool course load- Dance, art, and Science one day and Spanish, computer tech, and her dreaded math the next day. We are still doing English and Geography at home.

So mixed in with the tragedy of Jamie’s injury I needed to be all excited and up for Jeanee to be going to school. I felt really terrible about not having a special dinner for her, or some kind of thing to honor this big change in her life.

But I didn’t pretend that I could make it up later. Life hardly has real make it up later opportunities. The opportunity is usually NOW.

So, I somehow managed to get a special dinner and have a special feeling of excitement for Jeanee going to school the next day and at the same time I was suffering and in total agony for Jamie.

That night I slept on the futon in Jamie and Jeanee’s room while Jeanee slept in my bed with Jilly. Our only beds so far.

I was up most of the night. Either trying to make it stop being true, soothing Jamie in anyway I could, fixing her ice contraption that I brought with us as one of those insurances that if I had it we wouldn’t really need it. I guess it didn’t work.

But in the morning I had to jump up from what was finally being a sound sleep, know it was horribly real, and get going on getting Jeanee up and off to school. No huge fanfare. No excitement from the sisters. Just the two of us getting off- almost like it was an ordinary event we had been doing for years.

Oh, and when we got to the school I did mortify her by insisting on taking a picture of her at her first school. We went into the school, did a bit more paper work, and off she went. I was to pick her up at 12:50. That was fun. That was why we came here. I felt like things were as they should be.

Then I got in my car. I had called no one. I knew I had to call my family. But how? What would I say? How could I even say the words out loud? By calling I made it all real. But I could wait a little longer. I didn’t have to call just yet. I could pretend for another hour or so.

So I went home ready to pretend that life was just the way we planned. I’d let Jamie sleep as long as her drugs let her. And I would get Jilly up to do her schoolwork. Jamie’s knee was just a small bother. I mean we didn’t know for sure that the ACL was torn again. And when we went to the Dr.…- OH yeah- I have to go home and schedule that appointment now. No forgetting, no pretending, nothing the way I hoped, planned, dreamed.

Then I had a strange feeling. I hated Jeanee. Why was everything being so perfect for her? She didn’t even love skiing like Jamie did. Competing was just a side part of her life. Her real love was the social that’s part of all these sports. “Wohoa. Now that is just not allowed. You should be totally ashamed of yourself! That sweet girl deserves to have just as much wonder and love of life as Jamie. So what if she got in this for different reasons than Jamie?” It was that voice again. “Yeah, I know. I love Jeanee. Really I do, but why did this have to happen to Jamie?”

Dead silence. There was no answer.

All this on my short drive home. Again, something new that we didn’t have in NH. All drives home were a long trip of over 25 miles.

When I got in things were quiet. I called the Dr. referred to us at the ER. They squeezed us in.

Then came the screams.

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