Arriving at the Hospital had an Eerie Almost Surreal Feeling To It

September 17, 2011 at 11:52 am | Posted in ACL recovery, attitudes, Move to Park City Utah | Leave a comment
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Even though I was calm on the outside, I was a whirl of energy on the inside. I’m sure my blood pressure was soaring (at least for me). “We just moved here. It hasn’t even been a week. OMG- How can this happen to Jamie? I don’t know anyone who was more dedicated to their physical therapy than her.” And so on all the short way to the hospital.

I drove behind the ambulance, sending Jamie my best energy. I left Jeanee and Jilly at the UOP to have someone take them home. And a sinking thought that passed through me- “Again asking for help and not giving it back. Will all this ever end? Will I ever be able to give as much as I need?” But I left that thought quickly, deciding that I definitely needed help right now and will be able to give back to this community in ways I never could in NH.

Arriving at the hospital had an eerie almost surreal feeling to it. I knew this was fake. Totally out of context and simply had NOT happened. Why would it? We- everyone of us- had done completely everything we could both in the concrete world and in the world of energy to have this be the beginning of our dream come true.

But then I had to STOP my thoughts. There was Jamie- screaming in agony. Not just pain, but loss of her life. Everything she was, dreamed of being, had aspirations for, just plain loved with all her heart seemed to be ripped away from her. With no options. No alternatives. Her life as she knew it, gone.

No, this wasn’t a dream. This was not even a nightmare. It was cold hard life smacking us in the face and gut with full force. I almost puked, my head felt woozy. And there wasn’t even any blood. “Whoa Grace. You have a serious job here and falling apart is simply not allowed.” “Who was that talking to me?” You know that ‘other’ self in you? That’s who. I actually thought it was someone else. I didn’t even recognize me. Anyway I knew that speaker was right- even if it didn’t feel like me. I really wanted to run away, hide in a corner, or better yet, magically make it all better, make it never to have happened at all.

Jamie was the only one in the ER when we arrived. The Dr was funny and happened to sort of know Jamie. He actually went to the ramps himself, just for fun. Jamie and Jeanee knew his young son. I liked that feeling of connection.

Still Jamie was hysterical. No MRI because the MRI machine was not available. But x-rays were done. We hoped with all our hearts that there was a break. Our only hope of real recovery and healing. Another ACL tear and Jamie would forever be on guard.

Dr came back with a smile- X-rays reported no break. The shriek from Jamie was piercing. Somehow the Dr thought that no break was a better option. He quickly realized that he had actually given a death sentence.

Morphine was in order. Both for pain and for emotions. We left in a daze of confusion and pain.

Now I had to regroup my thoughts. Food, pain-killers, icing, and the girls. We had no food in the house. I had been having fun being able to so easily try out all the many different grocery stores in Park City- even more easily accessible than in Westport, CT. And pain killers- OK got that done at Whole Foods. No need to get ice- we actually have an icemaker again. Rational thoughts were coming back. I was able to function. Oh I HAD to function. Other people depended on that, Jamie, Jeanee, Jilly.

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