Her Eyes Were Darting Around Looking Wildly in All Directions

September 16, 2011 at 11:08 am | Posted in ACL recovery, attitudes | Leave a comment
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I came around the fence and I guess someone opened the gate- really I was already in a tailspin. Not totally sure of what I was doing or who was doing these mundane things. All that I could see was Jamie and her sisters at this point. Even the paramedics had vanished from my vision.

She was conscious. Her eyes were darting around looking wildly in all directions. She was a wild animal scared and in pain. People parted as I came over. All movements were slow and sluggish, like walking though a sea of mud. I could hardly breath myself- no wonder Jamie had oxygen.

Her knee was trapped. OMG her right knee- It really was her right knee- trapped in a huge splint, already trying to get as big as a watermelon. The young paramedic, trying to smile, was holding her splint and standing on the trampoline.

When Jamie saw me her eyes pierced me. Glued me to her. I know she was asking, no begging me to make it all go away. Make the time go back. Make the pain stop. Make everything all right.

Now I was trapped. I could do nothing. I could simply be with her. Still I couldn’t show ANY emotion of fear, despair, anger, frustration. There was only one thing for me to do at that moment. LOVE Jamie. That moment, which may have been a second, or may have lasted all of four seconds, was a lifetime of support for Jamie.

Then the practical me took over. A quick assessment showed me that the young man who was holding her knee was letting it drop. I can’t tell you how I knew this. Maybe Jamie was able to express this to me; maybe I saw it move down. All I know, is that I knew from instinct that her knee was not as high as it needed to be.

With complete assurance I took over, nothing hysterical about me. “You need to lift her knee two inches.”

“Oh I must have let it fall a bit- I’m really sorry Jamie.”

Another paramedic came to see what was happening. He stepped on the trampoline.

“You need to stay off the trampoline. When you step on it you move Jamie’s knee.”

The paramedic quietly and carefully got off.

I was still OK. I was giving Jamie strength by being able to know her needs and make them known to others and even to herself.

Then came the ambulance.

In my head I screamed- “This can’t be true. Why is this happening to Jamie? This will kill her. I knew something was going to happen to her today. Why didn’t I tell her to stop when I was here before?”

You see, I began to shift blame to me- to see what I could do to make things better. Yet I needed to be completely calm, to have everything in some kind of order. I knew this was best for Jamie. And what was best for Jamie was also best for me.

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