Positive Intervention for Mom of Lying Teen

May 27, 2009 at 10:39 am | Posted in 1 | Leave a comment
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When you go through parenting you have times when your child is somehow completely out of connection with you.

How can you be able to intervene, give positive guidance, and know what to do about your child’s dis-connection?

Read on to see what I say to Gloria

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Question from Gloria:

First of all thank you so much for continually reaching out to us mother’s.
One of my biggest problem is I cannot trust my 13 yr old son.  He lies so many times and I don’t know when he is telling the truth.
Please give me some intervention.

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Response:

Gloria,

When a child lies it really hits our core as a mother.
I will be glad to address this issue.

“The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.”  ~Honoré de Balzac

When most people read this they think that this is what mothers do for their children.  And of course we do.  But I want to add here that you give this thing called forgiveness to yourself.

When you find that your son has lied, the first thing you do is forgive yourself.  Let it be clear to you that you have tried and are trying your best.   When you let yourself be free from the punishments I assume you are giving yourself then you can go the next few steps.

Have you forgiven yourself?  It’s not easy, but do that for real – out loud – before you go on to the next step.

You say, “I forgive me for the lying that my child has done”

Next you use all your power to forgive your child.  This is not to say accept, ignore, or wash away the lying.  When your son is lying to you over and over, he is reaching out to have something changed.  Yet you have no idea.  And he may not have any idea what needs changing.

When you find your son has lied say, “I forgive you for lying to me.”
Each and every time.  This intervention shows that you do care about your son.

Then say: “When you are ready you can tell me why you lied.”

Now is the hard part -TRUST-

You have to trust your love.  Give full strength and power to your love.  Trust your love…
then speak, look away, cry, maybe even yell.

But do nothing till you know you are forgiving and loving both yourself and your son.

I had a daughter who lied to me for a few years.  It took all my energy and strength to try and fight this lying.  But when I gave up the fight and forgave myself for what I could not control only then could I begin to forgive her.

The forgiveness I gave her, over and over, let loose the love that was hiding behind trying to force her to be honest with me.

She did not stop lying the first time.  It took a while.  But as I forgave both of us, and let my love to her flow, I stopped punishing her, I began to see why she was lying, and I was able to help her to pass this stage with a few growing scars, but nothing permanent.

What was she missing?  As she was changing from child to teen and I had more children she needed to know that I loved her as much as the others.

It turns out what she needed most was forgiveness and love.  With these came her renewed natural high self esteem.

Be a parent with passion, purpose, and integrity,
Forgive yourself, forgive your son, and trust your love,

Grace

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Free Tele-workshop tonight at 7 pm EDT

Moms For a Balanced Life http://Tinyurl.com/UUmoms

Reduce Daily Overwhelm w/ Memorial Day Intervention

May 25, 2009 at 7:09 am | Posted in 1 | Leave a comment
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Happy Memorial Day
And Motivational Monday

************************************************************

If you find this interesting and helpful please
pass it along to your friends.

Again thanks to those who emailed me
with your concerns and issues.
grace@gemparenting.com
It’s still important to email your concerns-
You joined GEM Parenting because
need help with your parenting.
You want to understand and develop
your parenting, reduce your stress and
overwhelm, and let your kids grow up
with natural high self-esteem.

And you certainly don’t want the national hazard
of having a brat for a kid.

And for some reason that just isn’t so simple.

Send in your concerns and issues.
Get your guidance.
And help others who are suffering with your issue,
but not quite ready to share.

I will send you a personal response and
for those who are willing to share even more,
I will put our Q & A on the blog-

Of course with your personal stuff removed.

*********************************************************

Today is Memorial Day here in the USA.

What does that mean to you?
Why is it so important?
And what can you do today, this week to enhance
this day for your children?

I think one thing that we do for Memorial Day is to
think this is the beginning of summer,
a day off work, a day to have fun and relax.

Why is it important to have this kind of day?
Rather simple: we have the right to pursue happiness.

Yes, this simple idea, just a few hundred years ago
was unheard of.  Only a very small portion of
the population was even allowed to “think”
this way. And here we are: Knowing that
this is our right.

With this right has come better living standards, better health,
better education, better roads and transportation,
better communication, even better religion.

And more and more toys than we can imagine.
That’s the catch that is not part of our constitution:
There is responsibility that comes with the pursuit
of happiness.

Some say we have gone overboard with our pursuit of happiness.
And yes we sort of have.

For you as a parent here is how you can keep
Memorial Day present and reduce your
own stress at the same time.

Take time to think about “How will this purchase,
this program for my kids, this pursuit of happiness
actually help in my pursuit of happiness?”

This simple tactic can help you make decisions
with a criteria for your family.  You will reduce your
overwhelm.  Give it a try and let me know
what happens.

Today take a moment to remember and thank
those who thought you deserved your
party, boat, TV, cars, house, bar-b-que,
clothes, travel, pets, makeup, books,
ipods, computers, phones, comfy sofas,

Many risked their lives so you can pursue your happiness.
Happy Memorial Day

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On My Home Front

(By the way- Any better ideas of a name for this section?)

This past week I took my 16-year-old daughter to Lake Placid
for training in aerials skiing.
On Tuesday evening we went to our last yoga class together for five months.
I silently cried through most of the class.  On the way home
that daughter lashed out at her youngest sister , then me.
Totally uncharacteristic of her.

I knew what was happening.  It was so hard for her to leave us,
even though following her dream and talent is so special,
that by getting mad at us would make it easier to leave.

I told her that.

When we got in the house
she broke down and sobbed.  We had
a family sob fest for a while.

When we got up to leave on Wed we were
all much better.

She is there, loving her training, and we will see her
at the end of June.

And I do miss her terribly.

On the other hand I am in the midst of giving my 12 turning 13
her birthday party.

It’s a 24 hr sleepover- with 18 kids to start- 3 went home before the sleepover.
Activites:
Lunch
Tie dyed tank tops,
Relay races
Snack
Tank top signature pass
Swim at town pool
Dinner
Man hunt- kind of flashlight tag
Asleep by 11:30

I am up with the birds.
The kids are asleep.
But when they get up
Birthday Breakfast-
Waffles, vanilla ice cream, crushed fresh strawberries and whipped cream-
My mouth is watering just writing this to you.

We have no real activity this morning
other than that.

They leave at 12:00.

Great to chat.
Love to hear what is going on at your house.

Time for me to crush strawberries and you to
Parent with passion, purpose and integrity,

Grace

PS:  On Wednesday check here for:
How to Use Positive Intervention With a Lying 13-Year-Old.

Parenting the Hungry Horrors

May 18, 2009 at 6:59 am | Posted in attitudes, Families, Motivational Monday, Self Esteem | Leave a comment
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Happy Motivational Monday

If you find this interesting
And helpful please
pass it along to your friends.

Again thanks to those who emailed me
with your concerns and issues.

It’s still important to email your concerns-
You joined GEM Parenting because
need help with your parenting.
You want to understand and develop
your parenting, reduce your stress and
overwhelm, and let your kids grow up
with natural high self-esteem.

And you certainly don’t want the national hazard
of having a brat for a kid.

And for some reason that just isn’t so simple.

Post or email your concerns and issues.
Get your guidance.
And help others who are suffering with your issue,
but not quite ready to share.

I will post  a personal response to share.

Of course with your personal stuff removed if you emailed me.
****************************************************
Question:

It seems like I’m my one biggest enemy and I am the one who needs to change in order to become a better parent. And I really struggle w/that. But I do want to be a good mother and I love my children very much. My daughter has a similar personality than I do. Both of my children are very active. We are a creative artistic family.  So organization is not our strength. My dd (6 years old) has a strong will, that can be frustrating. What is the best response when I tell her to do something and she simply refuses? Or she simply says, “No I don’t want to”. I tell her that that is not ok. And she often gets mad when I make her do something. Sure she has a strong will. How can I deal w/that? I started homeschooling her in fall, that goes pretty ok. I don’t know how much hunger and being tired has to do w/ it. Thanks Friederike

Response:

Friederike,
The first and foremost thing to do is not beat yourself up about your parenting.  You are doing the most important thing- loving your children.  I know it seems incomprehensible, but there are some who actually don’t love their children.

Second, because you see yourself that you need to get our of your way, you can actually get going on your positive parenting journey much easier than those who think it is some outside force holing them hostage.

Lets start with the basics- I think hunger and being tired have tons to do with kids (and grown ups) getting mad and exerting their strong will.

In my house we have a term for this:

THE HUNGRY HORRORS

And my youngest (8) and oldest (25) are the worst.  The best way to combat this is to have food like apples, grapes and carrots available at all times.  My kids love the big carrots that aren’t even peeled.  And we eat lots of hummos with our carrots.

Its pretty important to stay away from ANY kind of food
that is processed.  These may abate the hunger for
a short time, but will actually make the Hungry Horrors come back
with more strength and power.

Now we do eat some crap, but NEVER when we are having the hungry horrors.

And yes kids get tired, but just like it can take years to get potty training to
be accident free, it takes kids even more years to regulate getting
enough rest time.  And our culture is really pushing no rest to the limit!

When I was a kid- way back in the last century- it was pretty normal for kids to have a rest time IN SCHOOL with a blanket to lie down on and everything- till about eight years old.  And I was in an innovative- hip school.

We are all so busy now keeping up with all that there is to offer, what with internet, programs, books, electronics, easy connections on all fronts.  So make a rest time- and as a family rest.  Put it as a priority.  The rest does not have to be sleeping- it can be looking at picture books, reading, coloring, listening to music, you reading to the kids, just please no electronics.

Because of the older kids busy schedules my youngest had much less rest time when she was six and seven than any of the others- and it really showed. We put back her rest/quiet time and she is much calmer, less stubborn, and able to hear what is asked of her without flying off the handle- well at least not everytime.

Even with all this, your DD will still be stubborn and willful.  As a general rule give her options.  “You can clean your room now or in 15 minutes.  When do you want to start?”  Then turn the timer on for 15 minutes, as she will most likely think she can get out of it. When the timer goes off, be ready to calmly and continually repeat, “Its your time to clean up now.  This is your choice.”  Be sure to use the word “your” as much as possible.  This gives the ownership and responsibility to her.  And REPEAT with the same words, same calm tone.

I have done this- with my last mind you- for up to thirty minutes.  She would scream, yell, storm out of the house, only to return and have me repeating calmly to her that she had to do what ever it was.

After a few of these sessions, she began to get the picture. She would have to follow through with her choice.

Oh one more thing- when she wised up and said’  “ I don’t want to do either.” I said that wasn’t a choice.  And repeated her choices.

*********************************************************
New section of the Motivational Monday:
On my home front:

Last night my friend invited my girls and me
to join her at a circle dance.
It was an evening full of energy and joy.

Today and tomorrow we will be getting
my 16 DD ready to go to Lake Placid.
She will be training there for about five months.
(with some training trips to snow and a vaca with us
slipped in)

We take her on Wed.
As a mom I am in the complete mix of
total WOW pride
and thrilled that my daughter is
doing this fantastic and amazing thing and
with every breath I am feeling the sadness of her going away.

*************************************************************

Have a great week.
Be a parent with passion, purpose, and integrity,

Grace

PS: If finances are an issue, parenitngpodcasts at
http://GEMParenting.com/store.htm
are $6.

Scroll through and find the one you want.

Parent to parent
I wish you strength and courage.
Now be your best parent with
Passion, Purpose and Integrity.

Grace

Reike With Kids

May 13, 2009 at 6:21 am | Posted in 1 | Leave a comment
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Yes with kids the simplest approach is the best. Less thinking, less worrying, more actions, and constant loving.

Each time you self doubt or worry, you bring attention to just what you are trying to help pass by.

Kids sense this instantly.  They have no barriers yet.

So each time you worry about how you are going to send reiki energy
guide yourself to knowing you will and that you are concerned and loving your nephew.

Many times I have given Reike to kids with a hug, integrated with a message,  but mostly when they are intently involved with an activity that is not electronic connected.  Then they have no idea what I am doing or do they care.  And because they are kids I only do Reiki for short periods.  I can do a full treatment in 15 minutes.  Just like any other kind of energy- food, water, milk, medicines, bike riding, running in circles- energy for kids is intensified weather it is what is going in or what is going out.

Mothers Day Quotes, Love, and Inspiration

May 10, 2009 at 6:45 am | Posted in 1 | Leave a comment
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Happy Mother’s Day

As I gathered these up for you to read,
I have to confess I laughed out loud myself,
had tears in my eyes,
and was very humbled.

I thought about my mother.
I thought about my grandmothers.
I thought about the mothers I know and love.
I thought about you.
And I thought about myself.

I was humbled you see
because of all the words and thoughts
that others have attributed to my daily living-
to the thing I do no matter what else.

I will hold off going to the bathroom
if my child needs me more.
I can never think of any activity
I do without also thinking of them.

When they are with me I think of
the joy I have for being with them.

When apart-
maybe wishing they could join me,
knowing I can’t do something
because it would cause too much
distress in our daily living,

yet also know that in my heart this is my choice.

I choose more than anything to be the mother I am.
To love my children with every
ounce of my being,
to let them know it in every action I display,
in every thought I have.

My love is so deep and pure  for them.
And it started the moment they were born.
It did not need anything to make it become.

Of course I get mad at them, yell at them.
Sometimes I even wish I could spank them.

But I only get mad because I love them so.

And then there are all the times
I kiss them over and over.
I just look at them when they sleep.
I listen to their stories of their days.
I read to them
And I play with them.
Oh the list goes on forever…

Happy Mother’s Day

Be a mother with Passion, Purpose, and Integrity,
Grace
***************************************************************************
Here’s the quotes I just love.
Add yours and your reactions as a comment.

If you bungle raising your children, I don’t think whatever else you do well matters very much. Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis

A mother is not a person to lean on, but a person to make leaning unnecessary. Dorothy Canfield Fisher

At work, you think of the children you have left at home.
At home, you think of the work you’ve left unfinished. Such a struggle is unleashed within yourself. Your heart is rent. Golda Meir

Mothers hold their children’s hands for a short while, but their hearts forever. Unknown

Men are what their mothers made them. Ralph Waldo Emerson

Most mothers are instinctive philosophers. Harriet Beecher Stowe

We never know the love of the parent until we become parents ourselves. Henry Ward Beecher

The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness. Honore de Balzac, author

The mother’s heart is the child’s schoolroom. Henry Ward Beecher

Who is getting more pleasure from this rocking, the baby or me? Nancy Thayer

By and large, mothers and housewives are the only workers who do not have regular time off. They are the great vacationless class. Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Of all the rights of women, the greatest is to be a mother. Lin Yutang

Mama exhorted her children at every opportunity to ‘jump at de sun.’ We might not land on the sun, but at least we would get off the ground. Zora Neale Hurston

That best academy, a mother’s knee. James Russell Lowell

Making a decision to have a child–it’s momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. Elizabeth Stone

Anyone who doesn’t miss the past never had a mother. Gregory Nunn

A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie. Tenneva Jordan

No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for signs of improvement. Florida Scott-Maxwell

Women do not have to sacrifice personhood if they are mothers. They do not have to sacrifice motherhood in order to be persons. Liberation was meant to expand women’s opportunities, not to limit them. The self-esteem that has been found in new pursuits can also be found in mothering. Elaine Heffner

Whatever else is unsure in this stinking dunghill of a world a mother’s love is not.
James Joyce

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.
She never existed before. The woman existed, but the mother, never. A mother is something absolutely new. Rajneesh

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
Unknown

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. Peter De Vries

All mothers are working mothers. Unknown

The real religion of the world comes from women much more than from men – from mothers most of all, who carry the key of our souls in their bosoms. Oliver Wendell Holmes

It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t. Barbara Kingsolver

God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers. Jewish proverb

I remember my mother’s prayers and they have always followed me. They have clung to me all my life. Abraham Lincoln

Being a full-time mother is one of the highest salaried jobs… since the payment is pure love. Mildred B. Vermont

Nobody knows of the work it makes
To keep the home together.
Nobody knows of the steps it takes,
Nobody knows-but Mother. Unknown

Mother – that was the bank where we deposited all our hurts and worries. T. DeWitt Talmage

There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. Chinese Proverb

When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself and once for her child. Sophia Loren

No gift to your mother can ever equal her gift to you – life. Unknown

An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. Spanish Proverb

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children. Sam Levenson

Setting a good example for your children takes all the fun out of middle age.
William Feather

And remember that behind every successful woman……is a basket of dirty laundry. Unknown

Hundreds of dewdrops to greet the dawn,
Hundreds of bees in the purple clover,
Hundreds of butterflies on the lawn,
But only one mother the wide world over.
~George Cooper

The sweetest sounds to mortals given
Are heard in Mother, Home, and Heaven.
~William Goldsmith Brown

It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.  ~Phyllis Diller

Mother love is the fuel that enables a normal human being to do the impossible.  ~Marion C. Garretty, quoted in A Little Spoonful of Chicken Soup for the Mother’s Soul

A man’s work is from sun to sun, but a mother’s work is never done.  ~Author Unknown

A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest.  ~Irish Proverb

Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother.  ~Oprah Winfrey

You don’t really understand human nature unless you know why a child on a merry-go-round will wave at his parents every time around – and why his parents will always wave back.  ~William D. Tammeus

Now that… my kids are grown, I understand how much work and love it takes to raise and to keep a family together.  The example of your strength, devotion, and patience is now rippling through the generations.  Thank you!  ~Forest Houtenschil

My mom is a neverending song in my heart of comfort, happiness, and being.  I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune.  ~Graycie Harmon

Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories.  ~John Wilmot

Who fed me from her gentle breast
And hushed me in her arms to rest,
And on my cheek sweet kisses prest?
My Mother.
~Anne Taylor

Children are a great comfort in your old age – and they help you reach it faster, too.  ~Lionel Kauffman

Sing out loud in the car even, or especially, if it embarrasses your children.  ~Marilyn Penland

Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.  ~Charles R. Swindoll, The Strong Family

Now the thing about having a baby – and I can’t be the first person to have noticed this – is that thereafter you have it.  ~Jean Kerr

Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children.  ~William Makepeace Thackeray

The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents.  ~John J. Plomp

Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine.  You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion-picture star.  If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word “collectible” as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success.  ~Fran Lebowitz, “Parental Guidance,” Social Studies, 1981

This heart, my own dear mother, bends,
With love’s true instinct, back to thee!
~Thomas Moore

Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.  ~Dinah Craik

Where we love is home – home that our feet may leave, but not our hearts.  ~Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

how to parent positively

May 5, 2009 at 2:58 pm | Posted in 1 | 1 Comment
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The Power of Positive Energy –. Your attitude and perspective deeply affect how you present yourself to the world. A famous quote by Emerson reads: Enthusiasm is one of the most powerful engines of success. When you do a thing, do it with all your might. Put your whole soul into it. Stamp it with your own personality. Be active, be energetic, be enthusiastic and faithful, and you will accomplish your objective. Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm. Learn that what you get back in life has a direct correlation with what you give. This is so important for parents. We are the ones who have to do the worst part of raising a kid. We have to get them to grow up right. Now that takes about everything we can think of and then some. And we, the parents, are the ones who have to nag and complain, pay attention to the crap on the floor, notice the dirty clothes heaped up waist high even though we vowed to never pay attention to the mess and smell again. Yep we are filled with the negative side of the whole thing. But we have an escape we can use our own positive energy to change what we see and what we attend to. With Law of Attraction what attend to brings it more energy. But how can you really only pay positive attention while raising your kids? Don’t you really have to notice all those awful things? And what about safety? That has to be a prime factor of parenting. Yes of course, only here’s the deal. When you give some positive energy to what you have been taught is negative it will no longer be negative. I had a six year old who had massive tantrums. I unquestionably HATED those tantrums. But rather than hold onto the negative, I focused on the fact that my child would always be free from perpetrators. She had a great set of lungs. I found opera music for her to sing along with. When she was seven her loud tantrums would often include a bit of operatic sounds. Now she is eight and rarely tantrums. But she knows about opera music. You can do the same with any negative. It’s not always getting rid of the behavior. It may be changing your opinion of the behavior or your reaction to it. Just remember to hold true to your values and morals. Have a great day parenting and living with Passion, Purpose, and Integrity, Grace

Parenting Power of Positive Energy

May 4, 2009 at 6:57 am | Posted in Motivational Monday, parents, Self Esteem | 2 Comments
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Here it is Motivational Monday
all over again.

We have been talking about peace and honor
and now I want to switch just slightly.

You see I am doing a workshop for teens this Wednesday
and the topic is

The Power of Positive Energy

Your attitude and perspective deeply affect
how you present yourself to the world.
A famous quote by Emerson reads:

“Enthusiasm is one of the most
powerful engines of success.

When you do a thing,
do it with all your might.
Put your whole soul into it.
Stamp it with your own personality.
Be active, be energetic,
be enthusiastic and faithful, and
you will accomplish your objective.

Nothing great was ever achieved
without enthusiasm.”

Learn that what you get back in life
has a direct correlation with what you give.
Discover how to develop and
use positive energy in your daily approach to life.

So of course I want to share a bit about how
you, as a parent, can use YOUR
Power of Positive Energy
to ease and calm your parenting.

Each time you hear yourself tell your child what
you don’t want, I want you to add on
what you do want.

Example: “You’re late!  Don’t miss that bus again.”
Add: “I want you to be timely and get on the bus.”

You can even shorten it to
“Be timely.  Get on the bus.”

This is about the most simple way to start the change
of shifting your negative energy to positive energy.

And let me tell, you if you are in a funk of negativity
this “simple” exercise can really undermine your
train of thought.

You are forced to stop that negative motion.
Its just like a train that gets derailed.
All that negativity just crashes.

It has nowhere to go.

When you take this tiny little step
not only will you change your energy from
negative to positive, you
will give your children something to
live up to.  Thus raising their self esteem.

That’s your Motivation for Monday.
And you can actually use this skill
absolutely anywhere.

Since I am a parent coach I urge you to try
at home with your kids first.

Please share your success stories.
It really inspires others when they
see that something really does work.

Now get on with parenting with
Passion, Purpose, and Integrity

Grace

PS:  If you haven’t checked out the
podcasts at GEM Parenting why not do it now?

http://www.GEMParenting.com/storehtm

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