Lipgloss Is Still Eating At Me!

May 31, 2008 at 3:29 pm | Posted in children, Families, GEM Parenting Secrets, Mothers, respect, Self Esteem, sports, teenagers | Leave a comment
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Anxiety of buying lip-gloss, but not paying for sports

myspace glitter graphics
Glitter Graphics

When I buy things I have two reactions.  One is anxiety (and you will see the price does not matter.)  The other is that paying for something is just part of how it works.  

When I have anxiety it is because I am thinking about the product, not the process.  When I was at the store yesterday my daughter asked for some lip-gloss.  It was only $1.99, but I had that yuck feeling of buying something. 

Then in the evening the same daughter was talking to me about a training program she is invited to be in.  And let it suffice to say it costs a whole lot more than $1.99.  But I had absolutely no anxiety about that at all.

(OK, when I actually pay the bill I will wonder how I am going to come up with it.)

The difference is that in the first place I was being asked to buy a product and the product was for the purpose of external approval.

myspace glitter graphics
Glitter Graphics

The training program is part of a process.  The process is years of training, being in races, building and building, and all the while being passionate about the sport.

This process brings my daughter to have a strong ego, but more importantly she gains self-respect.  Not every race that she enters will go well.  Not every practice day will be fun and invigorating. 

But by looking at the process rather than simply looking at the end result or product, I feel great about paying for my daughters’ programs.

myspace glitter graphics
Glitter Graphics

But that lip-gloss is still eating at me!

  

 

Creative Crayon Club: Activities to do with your Teen

May 31, 2008 at 8:49 am | Posted in attitudes, children, Creative Crayon Club, dads, Families, Family Time, Fun Activities, GEM Parenting Secrets, How To, lying, moms, Mothers, parents, peer pressure, relationships, respect, responsibilities, Self Esteem, spirituality, sports, teenagers, teens, Tweens | 2 Comments
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This is out last Creative Crayon Club dedicated to parenting teenagers for a while. It has been a great deal of fun to put these together for you.  I would really love it if you would comment about your favorite thing to do with your teen.

Here are a few things for you to do that can help reduce lying in your house.

Household Projects

Give your teen a choice of household projects that you two will complete.  Pick one, create a time line for the project, and get to work.  Teens thrive on simple projects that give them the respect and responsibility of an adult.  When you do the project together you can have conversations that impart your values and morals without actually having to set up the conversations. 

Join a Club or Group Together

This can be anything from fly fishing, scuba diving, walking club, art group.  There are millions of things to do.  Find something that both of you want to try, but haven’t.  This put you on an even keel.  You are joining the group as two adults.

Find a Needy Group You Can Volunteer For

You can make a meal once a month for a shelter, find books to give to an under privileged school, better yet read once a month to some group.  Again, the list is endless.  Find some way to be the givers on an equal basis.

There is a thread to all these ideas.  Be active with your teen.  Don’t try to be their friend.  Find things that allow you to be together, without being peers.  As you treat your teen with respect, your teen will have respect for you.  And your teen will see that you are someone whose opinion they value.  When they feel valued they will be less able to lie to you.  It is also important to be sure that you remain the parent- the adult.  When you do these things the bottom line is that you give your teen the opportunity to develop into an adult with self respect and high self esteem.  

What is your favorite thing to do with your teen?  Tell us in the comment area.

Follow-up Friday: Teens and Lying

May 29, 2008 at 10:53 pm | Posted in attitudes, children, dads, Families, Family Time, Focused Fridays, GEM Parenting Secrets, How To, lying, moms, Mothers, parents, peer pressure, relationships, respect, responsibilities, Self Esteem, teenagers, teens, Tweens | Leave a comment
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Here are some questions that parents, just like you, have sent in to be answered.  Listen to Grace’s BlogTalkRadio show to get the answers to these questions and others on how to increase your child’s self-esteem to promote truth and honesty.  We look forward to having you join us!

Set Your Calendar

Fridays @ 12:30p.m. EST

~ Interactive Chat Room ~

~ Call-In Number
(646) 478-4032
To Ask Questions~

~ Invite Your Friends ~

[1] I have a teen who comes home late at night.  I am sure he is drinking.  But when I ask him, he just says of course not.  Is there some way I can ask him and get the truth?  Or should I treat him like I know he is drinking?

 

[2] When I ask my teen how school is going she says fine.   But I am sure that she is doing poorly in her classes.  How can I approach her and not turn her off?  I want to help her but just don’t know how to talk to her any more.

 

[3] I am a step mother to a 16 year old girl.  She has a flexible schedule between our house and her mother’s house.  Lately she tells her father and me she will be at her mother’s and at the same time tells her mother she is at our house.  So she is lying to both of us and doing things that none of us approve of.  How can we get the truth from her about where she is going?

 

Now Available! Live with Grace Podcast on Teens and Lying

May 29, 2008 at 7:51 am | Posted in 1, attitudes, children, dads, Families, Family Time, GEM Parenting Secrets, How To, lying, moms, Mothers, parents, peer pressure, relationships, respect, responsibilities, Self Esteem, teenagers, teens, Thoughtful Thursday, Tweens, Welcome | Leave a comment
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Did you miss it?

Live with Grace Teleclass now available on Podcast

 GEM Parenting Presents: Teens and lying – Is that my teen who is lying?

Featuring Grace E. Mauzy, M.A., and
Guest Expert, Jean Walbridge, L.C.S.W.,
from parentingadolescents
Educational ~ Motivating ~ Interactive

In this hour-long podcast, we discussed how to free both yourself and your teen from the need to lie. Your teen will respect you and him/herself enough to be honest and mature about actions. Rather than wondering and hoping your teen will not lie, learn how to give your teen the real freedom and maturity to be honest.

For only $6.00 learn how to get respect from your teen and watch their self-esteem soar. This is a must-have podcast!

Join GEM Parenting Teleseminar

By purchasing this teleclass/podcast, you will receive access to downloadable GEM Action Guide, Expert Article, and Grace’s Personal Article.

Thoughtful Thursday: Lying in Adolescense

May 29, 2008 at 7:34 am | Posted in attitudes, children, dads, Families, Family Time, GEM Parenting Secrets, How To, lying, moms, Mothers, parents, peer pressure, relationships, respect, responsibilities, Self Esteem, teenagers, teens, Thoughtful Thursday, Tweens, Welcome | 3 Comments
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On Lying in Adolescence

by Jean Walbridge, L.C.S.W.

Several questions submitted recently to this site are from parents concerned that their children have lied to them. For instance, a mother writes in to complain of her 13-year-old’s having invited a friend over after school instead of practicing his piano while the mother was at work. It isn’t even that he skipped piano practice that the mother minds so much, as that her son lied to her about it.

She says, “My son is transforming into a new creature.” And, by implication, she’s not so sure she likes the new creature he is becoming. He never used to lie–or so it seems. And he seldom disobeyed when he was younger. So what’s going on?

Adolescence is what’s going on. During adolescence, kids experience a developmental imperative: to become independent of the parents and to establish their own identities separate from the identities of their parents.

Beginning in the pre-adolescent years, kids will do anything to achieve these goals–including lying to their parents, if need be. I think the reason the mom we mentioned above was more hurt by the lie than by the disobedience was that on some level she realized that her son had chosen his relationship with his friend over his relationship to her. The lying cost him something in terms of his relationship with his mom. But giving up the opportunity to be with a peer would have, in his scheme of things, cost him far more, and in an area where he is far less certain of his standing.

Parents, in other words, get their feelings hurt by their children’s not telling them the truth because at bottom the parent realizes it is a sign that her child is pulling away from her, and there is some pain in letting go.

It hurts your feelings when your preteen lies to you, but unlike when she was younger, your teenager is not so powerfully motivated to avoid eliciting your anger or disappointment. In your teenager’s eyes, your feeling hurt or angry may be “a good sign” in that it proves to her, at least in the moment, that she is not being controlled by you, that you are not running her life… look, here you are hurt and angry. Doesn’t that prove that she decided to do this thing on her own? That she wasn’t allowing herself just to be your ‘toady’?

If it takes breaking an agreement with parents to do what the kid feels, in the moment, that she MUST do in order to move towards autonomy and identity, the kid chooses to break the agreement. He chooses himself and his peers over the relationship with the parents. This is what the parent’s deepest experience of hurt is about, and it comes from not realizing the power of the developmental challenge of adolescence: the child really MUST separate from the parent and MUST find his place among his peers.

Not that he knows how to do it! Not at all. There are many false starts and painful lunges toward proving himself autonomous and building an identity. Yet these attempts at growing up, however awkward and painful for all concerned, are necessary steps in learning to become an adult, in learning who he is. If he is truly to become autonomous, he has to risk hurting and offending you and actually needs, at least once in a while, to do something he’s sure you disapprove of.

It’s not that your preteen or teenager is becoming a moral cretin, or that you forgot to emphasize truth-telling during her childhood. It isn’t that the adolescent doesn’t know it’s wrong to break her agreements with parents, when she breaks a rule in order to prove her autonomy or to connect with peers, but she may not experience the same remorse as a younger child because the adolescent’s sense of imperative need weakens the sense of guilt. It is as if “she had to” do what she did, sometimes precisely because she knew you had a rule against it.

Because of the different function of lying during adolescence, I don’t think it works to assign consequences for the lying itself. The problem with giving consequences for lying per se is that it comes too close to demanding that the child hold the relationship with the parent and the parent’s values first in her heart, at a time when it is not normal to do so. Besides which, it focuses the child’s attention on what she said, rather than on what she did or didn’t do. This can really backfire, as when you find out that she had a party at the house when you were not home, which you have a rule against, and she tells you the truth about it. “Yes,” she says, “I did have the kids over while you were gone. I’m sorry. (Probably itself a lie.)” — then expects the consequences to be waived because she told you the truth!

I would even argue that sometimes an adolescent’s resorting to lying about her behavior (which very often involves a peer situation) is a “good sign”! — Because, if she is taking the trouble to lie, it must mean she still cares about your reaction and has not had to go so far as to simply defy all rules to your face. The lie is a signal that there is conflict: do I do what I want to here, and risk disappointing and angering my parents, or do I obey Mommy and Daddy? There is a pull towards dependence and obedience, but often an even stronger pull toward independence and acceptance by one’s peers. The occasional lie facilitates the establishment of a private space, an area of her life in which she is sure you don’t have control.

It is, simply, unreasonable to expect adolescents always to tell you the truth. Believe me, you don’t really want to know everything your adolescent is doing! And unless they get caught, you can’t implement consequences anyway. What we as parents need to realize is that in fact our children have control over this aspect of their lives, and we do not. They will tell you the truth or not, as they see fit. When you catch them in a lie, and it involves behavior that is important, that you have a rule about–you said they could not entertain in your home friends who use drugs, and you find clear evidence that the rule has been violated– attention needs to go to your kid’s having broken the rule, not to what he says or said about it.

Copyrighted © Parenting Adolescents; all rights reserved.  http://www.parentingadolescents.com/index.html

Motivational Monday: Teens and Lying

May 26, 2008 at 8:04 am | Posted in attitudes, children, Creative Crayon Club, dads, Families, Family Time, Fun Activities, GEM Parenting Secrets, How To, marriage, moms, Mothers, Motivational Monday, parents, peer pressure, relationships, Safety, Self Esteem, siblings, teens, Thoughtful Thursday, Tweens, Wednesday Wisdom, Welcome | Leave a comment
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Welcome to GEM Parenting

We are finishing Teenager Month.  But don’t worry, if you missed the rest of the month just go to http://www.GEMParenting.com to find everything you missed.

Today we begin to talk about teens and lying.  These two, unfortunately often go hand in hand.  You are not the only one who has a teen that lies, but you don’t have to be a parent of teen who lies.  You can free both yourself and your teen from the need to lie.  This does not mean your teen will be perfect.  It means your teen will respect you and him/herself enough to be honest and mature about actions.  Rather than wondering and hoping your teen will not lie why not join us for our discussions on how to give your teen the real freedom and maturity to be honest.

When you give this respect to your teen just watch their self esteem soar.  It is amazing and wonderful to watch.  And believe it or not what your teen was doing that they lied about will begin to fade out of the picture.

My motivation to you today is:  Respect yourself and be honest with your teen.  See what happens.  Add a comment on the forum discussion.

Terrific Tuesday 

Today, we will have an article from a leading expert on Teens & Lying.  Our expert will share facts and thoughts on how we, as parents, can eliminate teen lying while respecting our teen’s creativity.  Be sure to check back tomorrow, you will be glad you did.

Wednesday Wisdom

On Wednesday we will have plenty for you to do.  In the morning, come check out my article on teens and lying.  It will give you some good sound answers.  Add to that GEM Parenting Secrets in the evening when I will be interviewing a special guest.  And add to that the last week of Taming the Teenager podcast is available.  You can only end up with a bit of wisdom from all this.

Learn how to stop teen lying and even why it occurs by joining us in a teleclass this Wednesday at 8:30pm EDT, 7:30 CDT, 5:30 PDT.  And you can be anywhere with a phone, so you don’t need to worry about what to wear or worry about much.  A teleclass is simply a seminar done by phone.

Thoughtful Thursday

Now if you simply can’t make the live teleclass, we will have the podcast available for you on Thursday.  And if you are unsure of what a podcast is, it is a recording that you can down load to your computer or mp3 player.  This means you can listen to it at your leisure-while sweating away at the gym, taking a calm walk, driving wherever you go, or curled up in your jammies with a cup of relaxing tea.  And you do not actually have to listen to on Thursday.  This is the day we release it. 

So if you are attending Mark Todhunter’s Tame Your Teenager Series then this is the perfect option for you.  Stay with Mark on Wednesday, and get the podcast Thursday to learn how to stop teen lying.

Follow Up Friday

This is when you get to ask your questions.  And I am put on the spot to come up with answers to help you.  Of course some people sort of cheat and send their questions in ahead of time- I honor the first to come in by answering it first.  And how, when, and where does this happen?

How- It’s simple-blog talk radio.  You can listen, call in your question, or type into the chat session.

When- Friday at 12:30

Where- http://www.blogtalkradio.com/gemparenting

And of course Saturday is…

 Creative Crayon Club           

This is still my favorite day of the week.  One last shot at helping you get new ideas of how to turn a recalcitrant teenager into a teen with ambition, honest values, and high morals.  Yet is still a kid at heart, has problems, has a wavering -by the minute- self esteem.

If you have teen problems then we are ready to teach you how to reduce and eliminate them.

 

Creative Crayon Club: Parties and Gatherings for Teens

May 23, 2008 at 8:45 pm | Posted in 1, attitudes, children, Creative Crayon Club, dads, Families, Family Time, Fun Activities, GEM Parenting Secrets, How To, moms, Mothers, parents, peer pressure, relationships, Safety, Self Esteem, siblings, teenagers, teens, Tweens, Welcome | Leave a comment
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 Creative Crayon Club

 

 

Free Glitter from Thefreelogomakers.comFree Glitter from Thefreelogomakers.comFree Glitter from Thefreelogomakers.comFree Glitter from Thefreelogomakers.comFree Glitter from Thefreelogomakers.comFree Glitter from Thefreelogomakers.comFree Glitter from Thefreelogomakers.comFree Glitter from Thefreelogomakers.comFree Glitter from Thefreelogomakers.comFree Glitter from Thefreelogomakers.comFree Glitter from Thefreelogomakers.comFree Glitter from Thefreelogomakers.comFree Glitter from Thefreelogomakers.com

This week we will give you some party ideas to have one of those fun safe parties every teen craves 

1. Costume Party

What you need: 

  • A great theme 
  • An appropriate space for the guests Invitations 
  • Music  Supplies for the theme 
  • Lots of Food 

What you do:

Think of a great theme for a costume party with your teen.  Make sure it is something hip and cool so that the teenagers can be creative and still dress appropriately.  A great idea is to be pop stars and then have a fun goofy singing contest during the party (try to get a mic set up).  Make a list and have your teen pass out invitations.  Make a supply list and go with your teen to buy everything.  Make sure to have plenty of food, some cool decorations, and everything everything goes along with the theme!  Activities are good too! 

2. Outdoor Bar-B-Que

What you need: 

  • A nice outdoor space, preferably with water and/or a big field 
  • A grill, table, and some food- make sure to have hamburgers, turkey burgers and veggie burgers, as well as chips and salsa, veggies and dip, etc. to cater to a wide variety of tastes, because teenagers are constantly changing and expressing themselves through outlets such
    as their food choices. 
  • Supplies for activities such as: music, a canoe (if you are near water), soccer ball, foosball equipment, a kickball, frisbee, volleyball, and hammocks are always nice. 

What you do: 

Choose the time and place for the party and pass out invitations.    Think of some activities that the teenagers can do during the party.  Teenagers are constantly on the go, so as many physical activities as possible! Teens love pool parties, so if you have access to one, use it… if you are by a body of water, go swimming and have a canoe or kayak on hand.  Teens love physical challenges like setting up a tight rope, relay races, or tetherball, also have an array of sports options for them to choose between such as soccer, kickball, foosball, frisbee, football, basketball (if you have a hoop), and even break out the old trampoline!

Make sure to have plenty of BBQ food – burgers, snacks, ice tea and lemonade, fruits, veggies, and don’t forget the cookies and ice cream!  Feel free to be creative in you dishes… 

3. Scavenger Hunt/ Murder Mystery 

What you need: 

  • A Murder Mystery Game or Scavenger Hunt: Usually these are bought all planned out, but if you are feeling extracreative you can do it yourself! 
  • Very cool/classy invitations for your teen to pass out. 
  • Costumes and props are essential. 
  • Music is always good. 

What you do: 

Spend some quality time with your teen planning the party.  These types of things have to be planned very precisely, so this becomes one of the most fun parts of the process.    Pass out the invites and set up for the party (make the list and go shopping together).  Make sure to get some decorations to go along with the theme, and feel free to dress up too!  Give yourself a role as the uninvolved overseer of the building the mystery takes place, or the overseer of the scavenger hunt ‘just making sure they are getting along ok’ so you can be involved in the party without being involved in the actual game. 

Have fun!  and of course … no teen party is complete without a dance-off and/or limbo contest and a lot of food!!!

These party ideas came directly from my eldest daughter.  They are parties we either had or she attended.  And I want to let you know-  She balked at the idea of these parties, her friends loved them.  And by giving her the respect to have a real party, not just a stand around and be stupid party, her self esteem soared.  People still talk about the great parties she had.  So go for fun, be cool, give respect and get respect back. 

Grace E Mauzy, MA
Parent Coach
Helping parents instill high self esteem in their children

http://www.GEMParenting.com
Making families stronger through high self esteem

http://www.GEMParenting.wordpress.com
If you are lost in your parenting journey you should be
coming to the blog to find your way.

Feedback Friday: Questions About Teenagers

May 23, 2008 at 11:33 am | Posted in 1 | Leave a comment

FEEDBACK FRIDAY

Grace is excited to answer the following questions that parents, just like you, have sent in.  Be sure to listen to her talk radio show today at 12:30 p.m. EST.

Listen to GEMParenting with Parent Coach, Grace E. Mauzy, M.A. on internet talk radio

Set Your Calendar

Fridays @ 12:30p.m. EST

Starts in: 6m 40s

Topic: “Got Questions about Prom oblems and Teen Gatherings? “

Follow-up Friday: Are you a parent stuck between letting your child go to parties and gatherings with others or holding them back? How can you figure out how to let them go and still know they are safe? Will holding them back screw up their self esteem? Or will letting them go cause the problems. Ask Your questions. Get answers that give you skills, strategies, and options- and peace of mind. Join me when I answer YOUR questions and concerns. This show features your host, Grace E. Mauzy, M.A., Parent Coach, answering questions sent in, asked live on the phone, or emailed in. Get your questions in today – click on the send message link on my profile. FREE grace@gemparenting.com.

~ Interactive Chat Room ~

~ Call-In Number
(646) 478-4032
To Ask Questions~

~ Invite Your Friends ~

1]  My son wants to have a party.  And he says that everyone has backpacks whenever they have a party.  How can I tell him that I don’t want backpacks at our house?

2]  My daughter is way too shy.  She hardly ever talks to anyone.  Lately there is this boy who calls her a lot and she gets blushy and goes away from me when they talk.  Now she wants to go to lots of
parties with him.  I am worried that she is in with a wrong crowd for her.  Is there any way I can find out?  Should I just let her go?  It seems so good for her to be out and about with other kids.

3]  Last weekend my daughter asked to go to a party.  I said I did not think it was a good idea.  As it turns out she went anyway.  I know because on of the kids at the party told me she was there, just in
passing.  Not to get my kid in trouble.  Now what do I do?

I look forward to seeing you at the show!

   

Thoughtful Thursday: Prom Problems and Issues of Teen Gatherings

May 22, 2008 at 9:30 pm | Posted in 1 | Leave a comment
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What you missed…

GEM PARENTING SECRETS PRESENTS:

Prom Problems and Issues of Teen Gatherings

Featuring Grace Mauzy, M.A., & Guest Expert, Linda Silbert, Ph.D.

Podcast Ready
For Download!
Only $6.00

Teen going to a prom? Worried about: How to set limits? How to have a teen party at your house? What is your role for the party? Learn specific ways to set your teen apart from the crowd of peer pressure slaves. Let your child have a great party, be at social gatherings and still remain true to his or her morals and values. Let your teens self-esteem soar all through knowing how to handle social gatherings for your teen in this podcast.

For only $6.00 you can listen to this podcast and receive all the materials that go with it.

Join GEM Parenting Teleseminar

This podcast includes a downloadable 1:12:58 min. audio, GEM Action Guide, and Grace’s Personal Article.

Mid-day Reminder of Tonight’s Teleclass: Prom Problems and Issues of Teen Gatherings

May 21, 2008 at 2:21 pm | Posted in 1 | Leave a comment

GEM Parenting Presents: Prom Problems and Issues of Teen Gatherings

Set Your Calendar
Live with Grace Teleclass

Wed., May 21, 2008
8:30 p.m. E.S.T.
Length: one hour

 Featuring Grace E. Mauzy, M.A., and a special Guest Expert
Educational ~ Motivating ~ Interactive

We will be discussing: How the six main dilemmas facing parents of teens are also the demons that demoralize teens and preteen – enticing them make inappropriate and negative life altering changes in social gatherings.

For only $6.00 you learn how to use positive intervention to help your teen develop and mature away from self-demoralizing and self-demeaning behaviors, and toward behaviors that will instill a wonderful sense of well being that is independent of all the demands on teens these days.

Join GEM Parenting Teleseminar

By registering for this teleclass, you will reserve your space on the call, receive special call-in information, and access to downloadable GEM Action Guide, Expert Article, and Grace’s Personal Article.

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