Focused Friday: Stop Yelling at Kids

January 11, 2008 at 2:43 pm | Posted in children, dads, Families, Focused Fridays, moms, Mothers, parents, Self Esteem, siblings, teens, toddlers, Tweens | Leave a comment
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Welcome to Focused Friday!  This week we are talking about parenting past the anger. 

Question #1:

I have been trying to figure out how to stop having rage with my kids for a few years.  I understand the concept of a change behavior chart.  But will it really work?

GEM Answer: 

If you honestly follow through with the chart and write down each time you do get too angry at your kids, and then you write down new ways to behave you will teach yourself to be different.  It does take time.  It will not be over night.  But it will work.  You must love both yourself and your children enough to do this.

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Question #2:  

If my husband is hitting my child, with out real force, is this connected with rage?  Is it bad?

GEM Answer:  

I cannot tell if your husband hitting your child is connected with rage or not.  But I would guess it is connected with control.  And loss of control is a precursor of rage.  In other words loss of control is what happens before rage happens.  So you need to be on the look out about if our husband is building up to a rage or not.

As far as your second part of the question, is it bad.  It is always bad to hit a child.  There is simply no excuse as far as I am concerned.  There are so many alternatives to hitting a child. And every time a child is hit his or her spirit is damaged.  And sometimes the spirit can be damaged so much it is almost irreparable

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Question #3:

Sometimes I am just sure I am just going to explode at my kids.  And I have this real physical change that comes over me.  I get real hot and sweaty.  Is this normal?

GEM Answer:  

It is normal to have a physical change when having a rage.  But it is not necessary to have the rage.  Anger can be expressed in many forms that do not result in a rage.  When you feel this physical change coming over you immediately remove yourself from your kids.  Don’t allow yourself to ever be near them when you know a rage is coming.

It would be helpful for you to work with someone on alternative behaviors.  If you are interested in working with me please e-mail me at grace@gemparenting.com.

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Question #4:

I know it is wrong to be extra sweet after I get really angry at my kids.  But I feel so bad and I want to make it up to them.  And if I don’t be extra nice after then what will I do?

GEM Answer:  

First, I want you to do something to stop having the “extra anger.”  You can try the behavior change chart, join a group dealing with anger management.  Second, when you have been too angry with your kids you do not need to be extra sweet.  There is this really strange thing about little kids.  They love their parents no matter how rotten they are.  So instead of using your energy to be extra sweet, I want you to use your energy to actually figure out how to stop your anger. 

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For all of you I want to commend you for knowing you have something that needs fixing.  And now I want you to take the next step and fix it.  Of course you can seek help in many directions.  I offer you help to both change your behavior and build a lifestyle that will increase both your self-esteem and your children’s self esteem.  So get on with it and choose what you are going to do.  In this case you really need to act now.   If you want to go on the next step of your journey with me, I’d love to help.

Just e-mail me at grace@gemparenting.com

FREE 8 PODCAST SERIES: “7 Deadly Mistakes Parents Make That Create Spoiled Brats!”  In this FREE Audio Parenting Series, you’ll learn the tested methods and strategies that produce the behavior your heart desires from your children.

Wednesday Wisdom: Anger Takes Over Parenting

January 9, 2008 at 11:34 pm | Posted in children, Families, How To, moms, Mothers, parents, Self Esteem, teens, toddlers, Tweens, Wednesday Wisdom | Leave a comment
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When rage takes over your parenting there are two questions you need to ask before you read any further.  The first is:  Does my rage physically harm anyone?  If you answer yes to this, then you need to see a local professional on rage management.  If you answer no to the first question then you can go on.  The second question you need to ask yourself is:  Do I really want to change?  If you answer yes then read on.

With rage you need to look at your past for just a moment.  Take a moment to decide if your rage is because your parents used rage to keep control of things as you grew up.  If this is the case then have a mourning service for this way of life.

If rage has been a part of your past or not, the main reason for rage is when you feel you are losing control.  But in reality the loss is not actually control; it is loss of respect.  To regain respect you need to have respect for yourself and for your family.

There are three excellent ways to reduce rage and regain respect.  Use a Change behavior Chart, do something that stops the rage, and use the rewind button.

  • A Change Behavior Chart is easy to set up. The first stage: The chart has two columns. On the left is the behavior she did. On the right is the new behavior to replace it. When she has written this down then she does it.
  • Stage two: After a while she will actually stop the unacceptable behavior and be able to do a new behavior. She still writes down the unacceptable behavior, but now she gets to cross it out because she did not do it. Third stage: She is not tempted to do an unacceptable behavior. She just writes down the new behaviors. This is a six to eight week process. It will not happen overnight.
  • To stop the rage try drinking water every time you feel the rage coming.  This will have two effects.  First you will not be able to yell and scream.  Second drinking has a calming effect.
  • The rewind button is simple.  Whenever you can redo any action then tell everyone you are hitting the rewind button and redo what ever you don’t like you did.  With these you have the opportunity to rethink, stop, and redo our rages.

With these changes of behavior you will gain respect for your self and from your kids.  With respect will come an amazing sense of high self-esteem.

FREE 8 PODCAST SERIES: “7 Deadly Mistakes Parents Make That Create Spoiled Brats!”  In this FREE Audio Parenting Series, you’ll learn the tested methods and strategies that produce the behavior your heart desires from your children.

Transcendent Tuesday: Preschoolers and Play

January 8, 2008 at 10:27 am | Posted in children, dads, Families, How To, moms, Mothers, parents, Self Esteem, siblings, toddlers, Transcendent Tuesday | Leave a comment
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Children learn by playing. Whether it be blocks, puzzles, or the creation of an imaginary world. Fun and games teach. Child development experts have targeted six specific areas that benefit from play. They are—

•Language development
•Small muscle development
•Large muscle development
•Emotional development
•Social development
•Mathematical thinking

As your child’s first teacher, it is important you understand what he is learning when he plays. To do this observe him. Try to determine what skill he is practicing. Then take it a step farther by creating other opportunities for him to apply what he is learning.

Activities That Help Your Preschooler Learn

Each of the above categories develop through a variety of activities. Some overlap and some are very specific. Once you identify what skill your child is practicing you can determine what he is learning and how to help him apply his knowledge. You can start by using these common instances of learning through play to encourage growth and development in your preschooler.

Language Development—Helping children develop a good sense of language helps them better express themselves and their needs.

Activities
•Even though your preschooler may not read, label some different color baskets for him to put his things in. For instance, you can label one toys and one shoes. Then show him the labels. This will help him identify words as symbols for though. This also allows him to use his mathematical thinking skills to sort.
•Ask him to help you build a home for one of his stuffed animals. By putting his thoughts into words he is learning how to express himself, which is one of the cornerstones of communication.
•Sing simple repetitive songs and nursery rhymes. Then add movement to the music. This requires that he listen, which is also an important component to language development. 

Small Muscle Development—The small muscle group includes the hands, fingers, wrists, and eyes. Your Preschooler uses his small muscles to do things like tie his shoes and brush his teeth on his own.

Activities
•Playing with puzzles is a great way for your preschooler to develop his small muscle group. Places puzzle pieces helps develop hand-eye coordination. Plus, when your child is successful, he will experience a sense of pride and accomplishment, which is always a good thing.
•Playing dress up is a great way to develop small muscles. At first, buttons and zippers can be challenging. Try using dressing songs and rhymes you and he make up to keep the game fun.
•Rolling a ball back and forth between the two of you helps develop the small muscles in his hands, in addition to hand-eye coordination.

Large Muscle Development—The large muscle group includes those in the neck, trunk, legs, and arms. These are the muscles most used in physical play.

Activities
•We can all use a little help around the house. Let your preschooler sweep for you. This type of movement develops the large muscles in his arms and upper body.
•Imitating mommy and/or daddy going to work by riding his tricycle to a pretend destination works the muscles in his legs.
•Playing a good old fashioned game of leap frog is a fantastic way to develop muscles in his arms, legs, and trunk.

Emotional Development—Parents and family are most influential during his phase in your preschooler’s growth. He experiences emotions deeply and is beginning to learn how to process them and express himself.

Activities
Preschoolers commonly develop fears. Using imaginary play is a good way to offset these fears. Have your child pretend he is a monster or a super hero who is capable of capturing the scary part of darkness.
•Encourage him to use art to express his feelings. By drawing pictures and having him tell you the story behind it, you are giving him an outlet to share feelings he may have otherwise kept bottled up.
•Help him identify emotions through storytelling. When you tell him a story or read a book, ask him what the characters are feeling. Are they happy, sad, excited, or scared.
 
Social Development—As the name implies, social development is the basis of your preschooler’s relationships. These are the skills he needs to make and be a friend.

Activities
•Playing any sort of age appropriate board game with your preschooler will help him learn how to share, which helps him develop friendships.
•Work on his cooperation and negotiation skills by asking him to help you decide what game to play.
•Encourage him to tell you a story about his family and friends. This will help him learn about relationships and identify how he belongs in his world.

Mathematical Thinking—Sorting is one of the ways your child learns to identify groups and categories. Therefore, when he sorts blocks by color, he is learning to think mathematically.

Activities
•Let him help you sort the laundry. Have him put socks in one pile and pants in another.
•Give him four spoons and four forks. Ask him to put the like ones together.
•On grocery day, let him help you in the kitchen. Have him put the vegetables in one pile and the fruits in another. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t get this task exactly right.

This also gives an opportunity to practice his language and naming skills.

Caron Goode’s (EdD) insights are drawn from her fifteen years in private psychotherapy practice and thirty years of experience in the fields of education, personal empowerment, and health and wellness. She is the the founder of the Academy for Coaching Parents,(www.acpi.biz) a training program for parents & professionals who wish to mentor other parents. A mom and step-mom, she and her husband live in Ft. Worth, Texas. Reach her at caron30@gmail.com.   Visit the ACPI blog today!

Helping Children with New Years Resolutions

January 5, 2008 at 9:06 am | Posted in children, dads, Families, Holidays, moms, Mothers, parents, relationships, Self Esteem, siblings, Tweens | Leave a comment
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Are you already suffering from New Years Desolution?

It seems that no matter what we try to do about a New Year’s Resolution it seems to slide into a desolution.  Somehow we just can’t get a grip on how to go forward with our great ideas.  Before you totally give up in despair, lets try a few ideas out and see how you can really change your life.  

  • First thing you need to do is be sure you have actually written your resolutions down. If you have not written anything down then follow these instructions on how to write resolutions that will work.  And if you have written something down you will need to get more paper so you can add to what you have already done.
  • When we write resolutions we write what we want to stop doing, have more of, and/or change.  But we rarely write down how we are going to have these life altering changes take place.  And that is where the downfall happens.

So what I want you to do is take your paper and fold it in half.  On the left side you write your resolution as you normally would.  “I am going to loose ten pounds.  I am going to stop yelling at my children.”  Then on the right side you right down what you will do to make the changes happen.  “I will not have seconds and I will walk twenty minutes three times a week.  I will join GEMParenting Secrets to learn tactics to stop yelling at my kids.”

This sets in motion the ability to change.  Without the way to change you will stay forever in that limbo land of wishing rather than being.

  • A second way to help your resolution become a part of your life is to treat it as a new habit.  And the best way to add a new habit is to replace an old with the new.  If your resolution is to stop yelling at your kids, then you need to decide what you will do instead as above.  Then in addition to writing it down you actually set a time and place that you will make the change.  For instance if you know you yell at your kids every night to go to bed, then set up a reward chart for yourself.  If you do not yell then you get a sticker.  If you get five stickers then the kids can stay up an extra thirty minutes.  You now have a change of the pattern.  You are still in charge, but the kids actually get the reward if you don’t yell.

When you take these kinds of changes and set them into motion in your life you will begin to have real changes that last more than a few days.  You will change your thoughts, your behaviors, and how you and your children interact with each other.

FREE 8 PODCAST SERIES: “7 Deadly Mistakes Parents Make That Create Spoiled Brats!”  In this FREE Audio Parenting Series, you’ll learn the tested methods and strategies that produce the behavior your heart desires from your children.


 

Family New Years Resolutions

January 4, 2008 at 8:53 am | Posted in children, dads, Families, Holidays, moms, Mothers, parents, Self Esteem, siblings, toddlers, Tweens | Leave a comment
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When you think about New Years there is always that thing called Resolutions.  And it now considered a very bad thing to set up these resolutions.   The reason is because we seem to be unable to accomplish them and then we feel worse than we did before we even thought of the resolution.  I have to say I disagree. 

The thing is that we are making resolutions that are geared for external reinforcement rather than for internal gratification.  Things that others can identify and notice do not have a strong internal power.  As a parent why not start your children understanding resolutions to be ways of expressing gratitude.  This year on New Year’s Eve or New Years Day set aside time to have a special resolution making session. 

  • Have your whole family think about what they are most grateful for.  Talk about these ideas.  There is no idea that is too small, immature, or silly: especially if this is everyone’s first time doing grateful resolutions.  After you have been talking for a while then have everyone write down at least one thing that they want to spend some special time each day being grateful for. 
  • Then hang these up in some prominent places.  And whenever you and your children have a moment to be grateful then do a dance, say a little phrase.  As you do this your children will have a gift of understanding that what is happening on the inside is more important than what happens that is noticed by others.

You do not need to have a resolution to change to become different.  You will be different if you use your resolution to be grateful.  And your children will learn a life of inner strength.  Peer pressure will be a nonentity. 

FREE 8 PODCAST SERIES: “7 Deadly Mistakes Parents Make That Create Spoiled Brats!”  In this FREE Audio Parenting Series, you’ll learn the tested methods and strategies that produce the behavior your heart desires from your children.


 

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