GEM Parenting: Parents building strong Children and Families

♥ My daughter is 13 and starting to care more about what her friends think is cool than what she has always cared about, like sports and science. How can I let her know that she can still be accepted even if she continues to follow her old passions?

♥ My 15 year old son goes out skateboarding every day and he seems really into it, but his grades are slipping a bit. I don’t know if it’s just because of his change in friends and new love to skateboard or if drugs are involved. I can’t figure out how to talk to him about it without coming across as presumptuous and distrustful. Do you have any ideas?

♥ My daughter is just finishing her first year of high school, which was a pretty big change from the 150 kids she had in her grade in middle school to the 1200 kids in her grade now. She has become very shy and withdrawn over the year, and I am worried she is closing up and losing many of her interests. What can I do to get through to her and help her open up about what’s going on?

Today, I answer these question and more at my FREE live radio show.  Call in live at (646) 478-4032 or chat in the chatroom at 12:30 p.m. EST / 11:30 a.m. CST / 9:30 a.m. PST - www.blogtalkradio.com/gemparenting

What you missed…

GEM PARENTING SECRETS PRESENTS:

My teen screwed up in school! What do I do?

We discuss the mistakes and problems your teen has made from different perspectives. Learn different ways to use positive intervention to help your teen develop and mature away from self-demoralizing and self-demeaning behaviors. Let’s get your teen moving toward behaviors that will instill a wonderful sense of well being that is independent of all the demands on teens these days.

For only $6.00 you can listen to this teleclass and receive all the materials that go with it.

This podcast includes a downloadable 1:30:52 min. audio, GEM Action Guide, Expert Article, and Grace’s Personal Article.

Tomorrow, Friday, May 16 at 12:30 p.m. EST, please join me for my FREE 30-minute live radio show at www.blogtalkradio.com/gemparenting for Feedback Friday on this week’s topic. You can call me live at (646) 478-4032, chat in the chatroom with other parents or myself.  I look forward to seeing you there.

My Teen Screwed Up In School, What Do I Do?

When your teen screws up in school, the first thing I want you to do is relax and assure yourself that everybody screws up. Then we need to look at the causes and decide if they are serious negative life-altering events, what to do if your teen has crossed to being a user, (again don’t panic. That will not solve your teen’s problem), and what to do if your teen’s problems are due to social pressures, media influence, or friends changing. When you have these areas figured out I will help you understand how to use positive intervention and your love to help your teen regain a self-esteem that will not suffer from external influences.

It is natural to worry about your teen. You would not be human if you did not. However, at the same time keep in mind that the kind of worry you do will have a huge influence on your teen. When you assume your teen has screwed up for life you will be giving this completely negative message to your teen. Instead, I want you to think about the screw-ups you knew from your past. At this point some are still screw-ups, but most have had a turnaround and are responsible adults with regular lifestyles. Give your teen this chance, even in your imagination. Believe your teen can and will turn out okay.

However, that doesn’t mean to stop there. If you did you would be negating one of your most important privileges as a parent. This privilege is to guide and enhance your teen’s life. To do this you need to decide if your teen’s change in behavior is due to using drugs or alcohol. There are many ways to discover substance use.

If you find your teen is using a substance, the first thing to do is be gentle with yourself. You are not the failure and your teen is not ruined. The next thing to do is open dialogue and discussion about substance use. You can be subtle, you can be funny, you can be heart to heart. But whatever you do, don’t ignore this step. Talk with your teen with respect. Explain your concerns about the substance and its effects. Allow your teen to respond! And listen to the response. You see, this is a dialogue, not a lecture.

You will need to decide at what level your teen is using. Learn what alternatives are available for detox if necessary. Find groups for both you and your teen to attend to help get through this stage. Don’t go it alone.

If your teen screwing up in school is based on more psychological or mental dilemmas, realize these are just as detrimental to your teen’s overall wellbeing as drug and alcohol use can be. Let your teen know that although you are disappointed in the result of poor grades, you are more interested in how you as a family and your teen as an immerging adult can learn from this experience and go forward in a positive direction. That direction may not be what you have in mind.

It may not be getting good grades; it might be finding another outlet or avenue where your teen is stimulated and is passionate about. Remember, school is a wonderful place to learn if your teen is learning there, but if your teen is falling apart and loosing self-esteem, help your teen see there are billions of ways to be competent and resilient.

When your teen screws up, give love, respect, and by all means, intervene with a positive influence and attitude. You are the parent and you have both the responsibility and privilege to parent with passion, purpose, and integrity. And you, the parent, above and beyond anyone else, has the ability to see the gem in your teen.

Grace E. Mauzy
Founder of GEMParenting
www.GEMParenting.com

GEM Parenting Presents: My teen screwed up In School. What do I do? Teleclass

Set Your Calendar

Live with Grace Teleclass

Wed., May 14, 2008
8:30 p.m. E.S.T.
Length: one hour

Featuring Grace E. Mauzy, M.A., and Guest Expert, Linda Silbert, Ph.D. of www. stronglearning.com
Educational ~ Motivating ~ Interactive

We will discuss the mistakes and problems your teen has made from different perspectives. Learn different ways to use positive intervention to help your teen develop and mature away from self-demoralizing and self-demeaning behaviors. Let’s get your teen moving toward behaviors that will instill a wonderful sense of well being that is independent of all the demands on teens these days.

For only $6.00 you can be part of this teleclass and find out the best ways to handle the mistakes teens make and ways to deal with problems teenagers face.

By registering for this teleclass, you will reserve your space on the call, receive special call-in information, and access to downloadable GEM Action Guide, Expert Article, and Grace’s Personal Article.

Promoting Genuine Self-Esteem In Your Child

 Promoting self-esteem in children is an ongoing process for parents. By adding just one word-genuine-the focus is sharpened and the process is more clearly defined. Genuine self-esteem is based on true worth and accomplishment, whereas ‘inflated’ self-esteem, the opposite, results from heaped on, baseless praise. Promoting inflated self-esteem is easy. Promoting genuine self-esteem requires a little more thought and planning. Here are three big steps parents can take to facilitate the process: Accept, Support and Respect. As the first two are closely related, we’ll discuss them together.

 ACCEPT and SUPPORT.

 Accept and support your child. As a parent, you are your child’s most important significant other. More than anyone else, you help to establish how your child feels about himself. School personnel, family, and peers have some influence on your child, but yours is the most important. So, how do you help him feel good about himself? By genuinely accepting and supporting your child for whom he is. Here’s how.

•  DO let your child know you think he’s great. Self-esteem grows through your words and actions. Use language that will build his self-esteem: “What a great idea!” “I’m proud to be your mom/dad.” “I can depend on you.” And, be sure your actions support your message.

 Children use us as mirrors. If we think and convey to them that they are wonderful, they will think and believe that they are wonderful. If we think and tell them they are stupid, they will think and believe they are stupid. Our children internalize our words and actions.

• DO accept your child’s inherited physical endowments. Nobody, thank goodness, is physically perfect. So encourage your child to accept his or her physical appearance. Children are acutely self-conscious about their physical selves-a girl might be embarrassed by her large nose, a boy about his pimples. Your child might even hate the very qualities you find adorable-his big ears, or her curly hair-so convey your acceptance of his or her physical endowments. You might be quite proud of your child just the way he is. But does your child know this? He needs to, even when nothing out of the ordinary is happening. Remind him every day that you support him, and show him the same through your actions.
• DO be open and available. Are you approachable? When you are working at home, watching television, or doing housework, is your body language telling your child that you don’t want to be bothered? Or are you showing her that you will listen if she has a problem? Of course, there are times when you are doing something important or taking care of your own needs. You can’t be accessible twenty-four hours a day, and you don’t have to be a problem-solver all the time, but you do need to be someone your child can count on to talk to when the need arises. It will help her just to know you’re there, ready to listen and not judge. If a child perceives that a parent is too busy, disinterested, or annoyed to hear her, then her problems, no matter how trivial they may seem to adults, may overwhelm her.
• DO recognize and applaud effort. Did your child bungle an art project? Miss a ground ball in a baseball game? Spill a mixing bowl while trying to make cake batter? You know that the effort he puts into the activity is far more important than the success or failure of it, but he probably doesn’t know that. So tell him! Even better than saying, “That’s okay, it’s the effort that counts,” would be to say, “I’m proud of you for trying to make a cake; most kids your age would never tackle that. And you got the ingredients just right!” or “I can see that you threw away the art project you started. I’m sorry you didn’t like it. But I’m proud that you took on such a difficult task.”
• DO be receptive and helpful with your child’s personal problems, and seek help from professionals when appropriate. It takes only a few minutes each day to ask how your child feels and then listen attentively to what he or she says. Instead of asking general questions about school activities, for example, you could try drawing out your child to see if there are any personal problems you are unaware of. So instead of asking, “How was school today?” you might ask, “Was school better today? Yesterday you said that your teacher kept you in during recess. Did you go out today?” If the answer is yes or no, try to ask more leading questions, such as “What changed today that made things better (or worse)?” and then continue from there. Or, instead of asking, “Did you do your homework?” try asking something like “You said last week that you had a history report due. How is it coming?” If it seems that things are not going well, you may want to offer help or suggest some alternative strategies such as after-school assistance or engaging the services of a capable teenager or professional tutor.
• DO offer opportunities to pursue individual interests. Your child can’t find areas to explore her individuality if she is not exposed to different activities. When notices for clubs or sports leagues are posted or handed out in school, encourage your child to enroll if she shows an interest. And get her presents that suit her interests. If she is interested in building, why buy her dolls? Children are often scared to try new things. By encouraging (but not forcing) them to try out new activities, we can help them discover areas in which they may express their individuality.
• DO encourage your child to evaluate the opinions and values of others instead of submissively adopting them. It’s a sign of low self-esteem when a child accepts without question other people’s ideas and values. Encourage your child to weigh each situation instead of mindlessly going along with the decisions or opinions of others. At the same time, encourage him to seek support for his own ideas. This way, your child will learn to determine whether or not a value or opinion is of worth to him, and thereby gain power over his own decisions. This will help his self-esteem as a child, and will serve him well when he is older, when more potentially damaging ideas (such as drug use, sex, or prejudice, for example) will be presented to him.

 RESPECT

 Let’s turn to the third step, respect. Respect your child and she will learn to respect you. This old tale, “The King and His Sons,” says it well.

One rainy day, the king took a walk with his two children. He held an umbrella in each hand to cover and protect each child. A bystander approached and said, “Why are you protecting your children from the rain? You are the king! They should be protecting you.” His highness sagely replied, “If I do not show them respect, how will they learn to respect me? How will they learn to respect others? How will they learn to respect themselves?”

When children are treated with respect, they learn to respect themselves and others. So treat your child as you expect to be treated. Respect that is genuine, and not simply permissive, promotes self-esteem. It satisfies your child’s esteem needs. It makes her feel important-that you hold her in high esteem, and that you value and respect her as a person.

There are many ways you can show your child respect through your actions and words. Here are some important things to keep in mind.

• DO NOT berate. Berating a child models negative behavior; it does not help her to learn, and it shows her total disrespect. For example, a parent who is helping a child to study for a test might make such berating comments as, “We just did this! What are you, stupid? You’re just not paying attention. Now pay attention!” By the end of the session, usually the child is crying and the parent is screaming. And the child may be heard the next day yelling at her classmate, “What are you, stupid?”
• DO NOT be sarcastic. Sarcastic remarks are transparent ways of putting someone down, and if directed toward your child, she’ll know it. Many parents don’t realize that the processes of growth and change take time, and their own frustration causes them to resort to sarcasm. But if you show a lack of respect for your child, she will feel unworthy and less motivated to succeed.
• DO ask your child to do grown-up tasks. There are many opportunities to do so. Asking him to do one at a critical time in his development may be a memorable gift you can give to him. At that moment, he has your respect and trust; he is someone. For example, when the need arises, ask him to answer the phone for you. Even if he forgets to write the person’s name next to the number, let him know that you appreciate his help. Next time the situation arises simply remind him to write down both the name and number. This way, he’ll learn the same lesson without feeling like a failure.
• DO control your anger. Whether over homework or other issues, many parents become so angry with their children that they end up physically or verbally abusing them. When you get angry at your child, keep this in mind: If you respect someone, do you hit him? Do you curse at him? Do you insult him? Whenever you use physical force or verbal attacks against your child, you show a blatant disregard for his rights and teach him that this is the proper way to express anger and settle disputes. You teach him that it is okay to act on his feelings, when in fact it should be your goal to teach him to think first, and think clearly, before he acts.
• DO be sure your child is being treated respectfully at school. Not only is it important for you to treat your child with respect; it is also important to be sure that your child is being treated respectfully at school.

As your child’s number-one advocate, be sure she is treated respectfully, both at home and at school. For the most part, teachers and other school personnel are wonderful, hard-working people who care about education and children. But sometimes they too need to be informed. If you see that your child is not being treated with the respect she deserves, call her teacher. Chances are he or she is unaware of your child’s problem and will appreciate your call.

• DO respect one another. Within a family, parents and children need to strive to develop a mutual respect, which in time extends beyond the family. This is an ongoing process which involves parental role modeling (and usually an endless supply of parental patience and self-control).

Respect is often tested when children slip-up. How parents deal with these slip-ups delivers long lasting messages. Better than flying off the handle on the one hand, or merely shrugging the incidents off on the other, is for parents to deal with each situation, and those involved, in a respectful manner. This involves looking into the causes behind each situation, exploring options, and discussing alternative actions the child could have taken-in other words, maintaining respect. Therefore, when your child experiences some trouble in school, before you begin yelling or punishing, think about what you want to teach her.

In conclusion, in that you as a parent are your child’s most important significant other, you more than anyone else help to establish how your child feels about himself. If you genuinely accept, support and respect your child, and show it through your words and actions, then you are sowing the seeds of genuine self-esteem.

Copyright © 2008 Linda Silbert, Ph.D., and Alvin J. Silbert, Ed.D., all rights reserved.

Why Bad Grades Happen to Good Kids (Beaufort Books, NY, August 2007) came out to rave reviews by parents, teachers, physicians, and other professionals. The book introduces the “groundbreaking” STRONG method, a proven approach that empowers parents and teachers to help struggling students. By focusing on the six areas of the acronym STRONG — Self-esteem, Trust, Responsibility, Options, Needs, Goals — the reader learns how to identify the actual causes of a myriad of school problems and learn proven techniques to resolve them. This little book will surely make school days and home nights “a whole lot better.” The Silberts are founders/directors of STRONG Learning Centers® in New York. They’ve written over 40 books and 20 phonics games for children of all ages. To learn more about their STRONG method and their books and learning centers, visit their web site at www.oureducationalbooks.com. To subscribe to their free e-zine, send a blank email to: subscribe@stronglearning.com. 

Welcome to GEM Parenting.

We are in the middle of Teenager Month.

This week we are going to be talking about how my kid screwed up in school, and what to do about it.  This can be anything from some major issue-failing or getting extremely low grades in school to having been a student who really strived to learn and do well to one who is still getting by, and my even be doing “well” by others’ standards, but you know they are failing internally.

You know you need to do something and understand what is going on, but you are at a loss as to what to do and why in the world is this happening.

Lets talk this Wednesday evening at

GEM Parenting Secrets to get a grip on the situation.  There are many ways of understanding your child.  My motto is, hopefully you know, Every Child is a GEM.  It will be from this approach that I am going to help you see the issues and problems of your child.

And with that in mind we are going to look and see you your love, positive intervention, and the use of parenting with passion, purpose and integrity can and will help your child turn from despondency to one with high self esteem and freedom to be excellent where ever that occurs.  To join this class please use the link below.  And follow the instructions for registration in the yellow box on the top left.  Visit my website at: www.GEMParenting.com 

In this hour-long teleclass I will be discussing: How the six main dilemmas facing parents of teens are also the demons that demoralize teens and preteens - making them screw up in school.

1. Peer Pressure
2. Media Influence and pressure
3. Friends changing
4. Education tracks
5. Drugs/Sex/Alcohol/Shoplifting
6. How to set limitations, guidelines, and still create more freedom

 When your teen screws up in school there are three main responses,

• Wanting to really let your kid know they have screwed up and making them look at all they have ruined for themselves.
• Ignoring that anything really happened and assuring yourself as parent that there is no real problem with your teen- It is just others and what is happening around your teen.
• Deciding to somehow let your teen know that every one screws up. It is what you do with the screw that matters.

If you are in the last category, then this Wednesday evening’s GEM Parenting Secrets is for you. As I said, we will be looking at the mistakes and problems your teen has made from different perspectives, looking at ways to use positive intervention to help your teen develop and mature away from self demoralizing and self demeaning behaviors and toward behaviors that will instill a wonderful sense of well being that is independent of all the demands on teens these days.

Hope you will be free to join us.

Terrific Tuesday 

Come back to gain some wisdom from our expert.  Here at GEM Parenting, we really like to share views and ideas from others. 

Wednesday Wisdom

We call this Wednesday Wisdom because this is the day you get the real GEM Parenting Wisdom.  In the morning you can come check out the article that I have written.  And in the evening you can come join us for Live With Grace- GEM Parenting Secrets.

As you can see we are going on from last week where we talked about Taming the Teenager.  And incidentally, this series is still going on, so to be sure to be part of both check out Thoughtful Thursday.

We are going to look at how the same pressures and influences can have devastating results in school.  The influences are

1. Peer Pressure
2. Media Influence and pressure
3. Friends changing
4. Education tracks
5. Drugs/Sex/Alcohol/Shoplifting
6. How to set limitations, guidelines, and still create more freedom

Again we are expecting a lively discussion - parents of teens can be quite expressive!  If your teen or preteen screwed up in school this is THE opportunity to have your personal questions answered and elaborated upon.  If you are a teen or preteen parent of a screw up you have got to join us.  If you don’t it is not our fault when things screw up AGAIN and AGAIN and AGAIN.  Find peace and stability for your family.  Join us.

This teleclass will be at 8:30pm eastern/5:30pm pacific.  I want to warn you, this will be filled with content, wisdom and inspiration.  We do have a nominal charge of $6.00 - it just helps us with overhead

 So you don’t need to worry about what to wear or worry about much.  A teleclass is simply a seminar done by phone and you can be on any phone from anywhere.

Thoughtful Thursday

Now if you simply can’t make the live teleseminar, we will have the podcast available for you on Thursday.  And if you are unsure of what a podcast is, it is a recording that you can down load to your computer or mp3 player.  This means you can listen to it at your leisure-while sweating away at the gym, taking a calm walk, driving wherever you go, or curled up in your jammies with a cup of relaxing tea.  And you do not actually have to listen to on Thursday.  This is the day we release it. 

 Feedback Friday

 You have got to come back because I almost always have a few more thoughts I didn’t get in or new thoughts that came to me after I was done, and of course this is the day I have answers to the question you have sent in.  Now is a really good time to send in your question about Your kid screwing up in school. 

And just to let you know, next week I am going to be talking about Prom Problems.  They are happening like wildfire all over right now.  So if you have concerns about your teen and Proms send in those questions as well.

There is no better way for me to help you than for you to send me your questions and concerns.  And that is my number one goal-help you be a happy, relaxed, reliable and responsible parent.  So please take a moment and send me your question.

And of course Saturday is

Creative Crayon Club

Here I am going to provide you with activities and ideas you can do with your teen.  These will not be how to talk about problems and issues, but how to DO things together, create things and play on a new level.  Your teen may have had problems in school so it is your duty to find ways to help your teen be a GEM in another light.  On Saturday we will be sharing things to help you find new facets in your teen GEM.

Enjoy your week!

It’s Saturday and that means…

Creative Crayon Club

You may really wonder what in the world can I do with my obstinate teenager.  First, every time you know you are about to give up, remember this is still your baby.  Keep a baby picture around.  Look at it often.  This keeps you in perspective about whom you are dealing with.  I did this with my eldest daughter, and what an amazing result.  Then when I approached her I was loving- even if firm and disbelieving. 

A great way to get reacquainted with your teen is to start to listen to music together.  When you listen to music, be sure to keep it neutral ground.  You will like some, and hate some.  Emphasize what you like, forget what you don’t like.

Don’t forget about board games. And be sure to check out the new ones that are geared for teens.  Good old charades, twister-where you actually play.

And if you really want to stay involved with your electronic equipment get a Nintendo wii for sports or Guitar Hero for music and be sure to play with them all the time.  Family puzzles are one great way to slow down and be able to talk without actually trying to.

One last thing is a family art project- Murals and picture collages are great.  Pick a theme. Put it in a central spot and keep supplies easily available. Change the theme monthly.  Be sure the theme is teen cool, not childish and immature.  And do crafts that create real results-jewelry, clothes, and wooden shelves, paint and decorate their room with them.

Just enjoy your teenager!

GEM Parenting Presents: “Stop Teenage Attitude in its Tracks” Program

Set your calendar
Tues., May 20, 2008
8:30 p.m. E.S.T.

This tele-class will consist of six sessions over nine weeks, and will consist of three modules — each two weeks in length. Hurry, space is limited and will fill up fast. Get more information here

Don’t forget to send in your questions for Feedback Friday about Teenagers and Attitudes.  I would love to discuss your concerns.  Send your questions to grace@gemparenting.com.

Have a “Thoughtful Thursday”!

 Taming the Teenager-That’s an Oxymoron!

When you think about taming, teenager is not the first thought thatcomes to mind. And for good reason. This is the time of life when people change from being children to being adults. Because we, as humans, have such an extraordinarily long maturation period our change is rather slow and difficult. We also have the added factor that we do not develop primarily physically. Intermingled with the physical and hormonal changes, we have mental and emotional development. There is no telling which of these will be in upheaval at any moment. And so, as a parent you certainly can’t possibly think of taming and teenager in a single thought.

But I am going to challenge that thought, and give you new ways of thinking about your teen and your privileges and responsibilities as a parent. You will understand what is happening and how you can be ahead of the game, allowing you to have the ability to guide and nurture your teen to be a well adjusted, confident kid with awesome high self-esteem.

I am going to share with you the six main dilemmas facing parents of teens these days:

There is not a teen parent who doesn’t share these anxieties. I can verify this both professionally and personally. I have raised one daughter through her teen years and have a teen right now. And being the “expert” doesn’t give me any immunity to these concerns.  But my expertise does help me to have a heads up on what is happening and quick reactions to the ebb and flow of teenagers. Peer pressure has been a basic part of teen years throughout history.

So why worry? The fact is that as your teen tries to be autonomous that means independent and apart from you, he/she will try behaviors and activities that are completely disapproved of at home. One of the new behaviors will be to seek peer approval more than parental approval. This is why peer pressure is so strong at this time. Be gentle, but firm with your teen. Have family morals and obligations, not rules and punishments that you expect and assume to be upheld even in the hardest of circumstances.

Media influence and pressure has gone completely wild in the past ten years. This influence has reached every home in the USA. Media is now in the form of electronic communication, plugged into our children by TV and radio of course, but even more personally by computer, iPod, and cell phones. As a parent you have an obligation to show respect to your teen while at the same time monitoring electronic communication. Keep cell phones charged in the kitchen, have lap tops used in community rooms, keep TV’s out of bedrooms, and get involved with the music your child has on his/her iPod - hook it up to speakers. Get funky and dance, have a good time and be silly.

Keeping these “personal” electronics as public as possible helps to monitor without being overly intrusive. As your teen changes so does his/her friends. When things are topsyturvy for your child and their friends have changed or vanished, be a good listener, and share from your own past some of your own teenage problems. It helps to know that you as a parent were susceptible as well. This can lead your child to be able to come to you when in distress.

Education tracks have shifted recently. In the past they were geared to put kids in college-bound programs or vocational programs. Now they are set up to help you and your child find the hidden talent in your child. These can be great ways to help your child blossom and develop. However remember, you are the parent and will know and understand more about your child- even when they are a teenager, than any test will be able to. Use these as guidelines; not set in stone paths to follow.

I have saved drugs, sex, alcohol, and shoplifting for last. These seem to be the biggest concerns that involved parents have. There are those who believe these experimentations are a normal part of growing up. But they are not biologically programmed. You need to be sure about your desires and opinions. Use soft words for your strong arguments. Let your teens know what you will and will not accept. Be frank and honest. Let them understand the consequences of breeching your trust. Put it in writing. Teens are amazing at understanding what they want to understand and changing what they heard. Tell them you are treating them with adult respect. Adults use written agreements, statements, and contracts in every conceivable context.

As a parent you need to have both respect and concern for your teenager. It is a real tightrope act to balance freedom and limitations. I suggest being completely respectful to your teen. Use positive intervention rather than punishment whenever possible. Let your teen know that at this time of their life it is your responsibility to continue to nurture them. And it is your privilege to help them become a healthy, independent adult with an effervescent zest for life.